MM: Welcome back, everyone.
AG: I’m sure you’re all very excited to hear about our next plan.
KK: (dully) On pins and needles.
MM: We’re now going to make our show like The Dukes of Hazzard.
AM: As a tribute to John Schneider?
MM: Something like that. We also really enjoyed watching it.
MR: Did you have a favorite season?
AG: Oh, we didn’t watch the TV show. We just caught the new movies.
AM: I’m not sure that’s the best inspiration to go off of. They were really just opportunities to make jokes about drug use, alcohol consumption, glorification of law-breakers, insults to uncultured Southerners—
(AoT smacks her upside the head)
AM: Ow! Annette! I was not insulting Southerners in general!
KK: Plus, I was offended by the blatant exploitation of women. They were filled with gratuitous nudity. (turns her head to AM) Suddenly, I see why they enjoyed them.
(AM nods in agreement)
MR: I enjoyed it. Schneider got me and Tom tickets to the advance screening.
JG: Why, that unmagnificent bastard!
MR: Oh, you were doing a play. He didn’t snub you.
AG: Anyway, speaking of gratuitous nudity…
KK: No.
AM: No.
AoT: Well… (sighs) Looks, guys, I’m not 25 anymore.
ED: Make me an offer. I’ll also have my agent send you my updated price sheet.
AM: (to EM) We’re still on the CW, Erica. You can’t actually expose anything.
ED: In that case, I rescind my offer.
AG: (on the phone) Thanks. Just fax it right over.
MM: (grabs the phone) Two copies, if you don’t mind.
AG: Now, we’ve got Clark as Luke Duke and Jimmy as Bo Duke.
TW: So, Aaron gets to drive?
MM: Yes.
TW: And are we cousins?
AG: Well, why not?
TW: Is
AG: Of course. What else do we do with the special effects budget? There’s actually going to be a recurring theme where you two keep getting in horrible car crashes and somehow survive, and Jimmy never figures out why.
MM: Or even wonders.
AA: That’s not giving Jimmy much credit.
MR: “It was the Egyptians!”
AA: Please shut up.
AM: Word to the wise, Aaron, Michael considers using the word “please” to be a sign of weakness.
(MR punches his hand, schoolyard bully style)
TW: So, wait, if Jimmy’s
AG:
TW: Is his last name
MM: No. It’s Olsen. It can be Jonathan Kent’s sister’s son.
AM: You’re making this up as you go, aren’t you guys?
MM: It’s our process, Allison.
AM: That explains a lot.
TW: So Jimmy has no idea
AG: Nope.
MM: None.
TW: And he’s going to crash the General Lee a lot?
AG: All the time.
MM: Only, we’re not calling it the General Lee.
AG: Too offensive.
AoT: On behalf of John and myself, I’m offended that you’re changing it.
JG: Oh, I don’t mind.
AoT: Schneider.
JG: Oh, very well. Proceed.
KK: What are we calling it?
MM: We’ve made a list.
KK: You’re not calling it the “Lana Lang.”
(MM crosses something off near the top of his notepad)
AG: Our other idea was sell out the name.
MM: You know, “The P. Diddy,” “The J. Lo,” “The Nancy Reagan.”
MR: I don’t think Nancy Reagan is going to pay to have the car named after her.
AG: Told you!
(MM marks something else of the list)
MM: Also, “The Prince Harry,” “The Prince William,”
KK: You were really going to name it “Prince Harry” before you named it “Prince William?”
AG: Miles is a sucker for red hair.
MM: “The Lindsay Lohan,” “The Britney Spears,”
MR: “The
AG: (smacks MM upside the head) How did you not think of that? You know how much we could have made?
AoT: Oughta just go for the gold and name it the “Bill Gates.”
AG: We considered it, but we thought he make us go with some geek car.
AM: Speaking of which, it’s going to be hard to keep 1968 Chargers in stock, especially if Jimmy’s going to keep wrecking them.
MM: Why waste money on that? We’re just going to go with whatever cars we can get sponsorship from. Ford’s already promising us an F-150 and a Fusion if we mention them six times an episode.
TW: Each time?
AG: Why in the world would we keep the same car? If our ElCamino “The J. Lo.” falls off a bridge, might as well replace it with the Excursion “The Dewayne Johnston.”
AA: You’re naming a Ford truck after “The Rock.” Just think about that for a second.
MM: Oh, and Arnold Schwarzenegger will let us use twin Hummers if we call them “Hans” and “Franz.”
AM: The state of
AG: It would have to be an anonymous gift.
KK: So, big question, who gets to be Daisy?
AM: Gee, a female who now can’t be romantically involved with either Clark or Jimmy, but still gets to wear skimpy clothes. Puts you in quite a conundrum, doesn’t it?
AG: Lois. She’s hot. She wears very little. She kicks ass. And since we’re barred from Clark and Lois romance, and since Lois and Jimmy is just silly, she’s perfect.
AM: (deflated) Oh, yeah. That makes sense. A lot of sense. But what about me and Kristin? There’s no way you’re pulling Lana or Chloe off the show.
MR: You that secure with your job? You’ve already died like three times already.
AM: I have a trump card. Ostroff. AllisonMackOnline.com forwarded her this “Your Favorite Smallville Gal” poll. Chloe got like 60% of the vote. She’s not pulling me anytime soon. Chloe’s safe.
AG: We’re not assigning specific roles to you two.
KK: Sure you are: Love Interest #1 and Love Interest #2.
MM: You’re Love Interest number one, Kristin.
KK: (smiling sweetly) Thank you. (to AM) I’m going to the special hell.
AM: (pats her on the shoulder) You’re a martyr. And, if that’s not enough, you’ll be able to flirt your way past St. Peter.
AG: On to the villains.
MM: We’re going to have “Boss Luthor.”
JG: Excuse me. I recall that he seems to be a little large in the midsection. (starts to unbutton up his shirt) Does this remind you of Boss Hogg?
MM: (shielding his eyes) Look, “Boss Luthor” will be in unusually good shape for his age.
MR: Take it off, old man!
AM: Could you please cover up?
KK: Please?
(JG starts to button his shirt)
JG: (finds a Canadian twenty in his waistband) Durance!
ED: What? I find older men attractive.
(JG finishes tucking his shirt in while he shakes his head)
JG: (find an American hundred-dollar bill) Annette? I doubt Michael would approve.
MR: Oh, I approve. I’m just sorry I didn’t bring any cash myself.
AoT: I think he meant my husband.
MR: You’re still married to that McKean guy?
AoT: I oughta smack you upside the head, boy! (extends her hand)
AM: (rubbing the back of her head) Now, why didn’t I get a warning?
JG: Please tell me I won’t have bull horns stuck to the front of my limousine.
AG: Are you kidding? It’d cover up the car brand.
MR: Maybe they’re kryptonite horns. (chuckles)
MM: Brilliant!
JG: You’re going to pay for this, Rosenbaum.
AM: Maybe it can be the double-L logo, like a hood ornament.
MM: Brillianter!
AM: That’s not a w—
TW: Choose your battles, Alli.
MM: Anyway, we’ll also have Sheriff Luthor.
MR: But he’s bubbling and surrounds himself with incompetent deputies!
KK: I think the comparison is uncanny.
AM: True.
MR: At least tell me I get to arrest their characters.
AG: Probably all the time.
AM: But I escape because of my wits?
MM: Probably all the time.
KK: (grudgingly) And me because of my looks.
AG: Probably all the time.
MM: Though we have to have Clark and Jimmy save you once in a while.
AM: Deal.
KK: Fine.
AM: Is that enough triangles for you two?
AG: Well, they’ll both fight over Lana. I suppose if need be, they’ll fight over you.
TW: Isn’t it kind of creepy that they’ll constantly fighting over these two girls? I mean, I’m assuming after a while, we’ll both have dated both. That’s kind of weird.
MR: This does take place in
AG: And waste money on new sets?
MM: Plus, there are plenty of young, attractive women in
MR: Forgive me for being insolent. Do I get to regrow my hair?
MM: Why would you want that? You get to wear a Sheriff’s uniform.
MR: ‘Cause that totally makes up for it.
ED: Hey, aren’t we missing Uncle Jesse?
(MM and AG stare at each other)
AG: John!
JG: No. I’m going to be hunky Boss Luthor. (starts to pull up his shirt again)
AM: (smacks his hand) We get it, John. You’ve got abs of steel.
JG: My dear Miss Mack, you will regret that one day.
AM: (her voice squeaking) You know, it’s scary just because he uses the voice.
AG: No, wrong John.
TW: We’re bringing John Schneider back? That’s so appropriate!
AA: I kinda don’t feel comfortable with that. I’m not sure what his feelings will be about his part as the good-hearted rebel being filled by dorky Jimmy Olsen.
AG: No, wrong John again. We meant John Jones.
AM: The Martian Manhunter is Clark
AG: Adopted uncle.
TW: So Martian Manhunter is the adoptive uncle of
~
A/N: So, I’m just gonna keep spitting these out until I finally finish the League o’ Justice episode I’ve been working on forever. Stupid third act.
^_^ - I’ve got thirty-seven cents in my pocket that says you’re gonna name a Pontiac Aztek “The Magnificent Sonriso.” How ‘bout a bitchin’ motorcycle? It can be a Yamaha. No? A Segway? You know, an older model. A decent pair of roller blades? Daisy-Lois can wear them. While she’s waitressing or whatnot. They don’t necessarily have to be yellow with my image on them.
Started 7/4/2007. Finished 9/5/2007.
