NSVC: Somebody Saved by the Bell

AG: Saved by the Bell.

AM: Uh, too late, we’re all out of college.

MM: Then the College Years.

ED: ‘Cause that spin-off worked so well.

TW: None of our characters are in college.

AM: (defensively) Chloe is.

ED: Really?

AM: (insistent) Yes.

AG: Really? College is stupid.

AM: No, Chloe is going to college, dammit. It’s just boring to film, so we always show her at the Planet.

MM: That sounds familiar.

AM: You said it. In an interview.

MM: Oh, we don’t actually write what we tell interviewers. Why do you think we have a writing staff?

AM: Up until now, I thought it was to write a television show, but this is revealing none the less.

AG: Anyway, everyone’s going back to college.

TW: I thought you said college was boring.

AG: It is. It’s all going to take place in the dorm rooms.

ED: Naughty.

AM: I hope it’s not really going to be about just that.

MM: Well, Ostroff did kind of hint that way.

AM: I doubt she meant we should indiscriminately jump into bed with one another.

MM: I think those were her exact words.

AG: Well, and various guest stars.

AM: Look, you can’t make a show completely about sex.

ED: Coupling.

TW: Sex and the City.

MR: Doogie Howser.

KK: I’m not even going to…

AM: Look, go ahead with your endless strings and permutation of relationships. It’s not like I could stop you anyway.

TW: True.

MR: True.

ED: Very true.

KK: I’m going to have to invest in some serious chap stick.

MR: And breath mints. (KK smacks him)

AM: But there can be other sets. The student union.

MM: But…

AM: Look, you can’t introduce new characters by having them wander into our dorm room.

AG: Well, there goes Episode 2, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 14, 15, 19, 20, 21 and the first two-thirds of Season 2.

AM: But they can meet in the student union. Like normal people. Sex can then move into the dorm room.

MR: Who says it has to move?

AG: I like the way you think, Michael.

AM: God damn you, Rosenbaum.

MM: She’s right, though.

AM: What about a library set?

MM: Boring.

AM: But…

ED: Choose your battles, Alli.

AM: Can I twist your arms into a fraternity or a sorority?

AG: Done and done.

AM: How about a classroom?

MM: Boring.

AM: How about the hallway outside a classroom?

MM: How’s that more exciting?

AM: (lamely) More opportunities to meet potential love interests. (she snaps a pencil in half)

AG: Hey, not half bad.

TW: I think we’ve come to the point of the show when we try to guess which character from Saved By the Bell you’re equating us with, even though I’m sure we’ve come to the point when it’s really unnecessary. I mean in this setting, the characters can kind of function on their own.

KK: (blurts out) Lana is Kelly.

AG: Good job. (with sincerity; to MM) We should have brought candy.

KK: I’m not 5!

MR: Well, I’ve narrowed down myself and Clark being Zack and Slater.

AA: Jimmy’s Screech. Let’s just throw that out there. And we can skip five minutes of jokes at my expense.

AM: I’ll save you, Aaron. Chloe’s obviously Jessie.

ED: Height issues aside.

AM: I’m short. You’re tall. How deep can this go?

ED: Way to take the wind from my sails, Alli.

AM: (dryly) The guilt is crushing, I assure you.

ED: Wait, does that leave me being the token black chick with a fashion obsession? What was her name?

AA: Dude, I don’t remember. Ow. Harsh.

TW: It’s quite telling that we forget the minority character.

MR: Seriously? Her name was Lisa Turtle. She was played by actress Lark Voorhies.

KK: Michael. Just… never mind.

AA: So, two fashion-obsessed teens on the same show?

AM: Our generation was apparently very shallow.

ED: I can’t say much for the current one. They hired me to be Lois Lane for more than my acting skills.

AM: I’m wondering how much how much your acting experience factored in.

ED: Excuse me, I had numerous television and film roles before I joined this show.

AM: So did I! And I was a child actor. I’ve been doing this since I was five. I didn’t have to wait until my boobs grew in to get my start.

TW: Should we get involved?

MR: Shh! They’re talking about boobs.

ED: You have an online name for your boobs.

AM: That’s better than online speculation about whether mine are real. There are two people on this show whose breasts are talked about.

AoT: That’s a good point. My breasts are never discussed.

MR: I’ll discuss them with you. I think they’re wonderful.

AoT: Is this conversation inevitably going to veer towards Cat People?

MR: It’s funny you should mention Cat People…

(TW chuckles to himself in his seat)

ED: Hold it. If I’m Lisa, doesn’t that mean Jimmy has a crush on me?

TW: Jimmy would have a crush on you.

AM: He would not. He’s dating Chloe. Why should he be interested in Lois?

ED: Why would Lois become interested in Clark knowing her cousin was in love with him?

AM: She wouldn’t. She’s interested in Clark first and… stop bringing up scenarios where the Chlois Theory fixes everything.

TW: Online, they call the Jimmy/Lois relationship J-Lo.

ED: Oh my gaw, that totally makes me want to have sex with Jimmy.

AA: Erica, please don’t personify your character. It makes me have thoughts I shouldn’t have with a married woman.

ED: Dammit, David Palffy, why do you ruin all my fantasies? And why is your last name Palffy? Have I really been Mrs. Palffy for two years?

AM: Erica, please, it’s weird enough when Michael forget he’s not Lex Luthor.

MR: What are you talking about? I am Lex Luthor. I am bald and sexy. I have a yacht and a private jet. Who wants to have sex with me? How ‘bout you, Martha Kent?

AoT: Oh, boy, don’t I wish. (tickles him under the chin)

TW: Annette, don’t encourage him. It’s skeevy.

AG: I think you have point there. Lex Luthor gets it on with cougar professor.

MR: Dude, can we bring in Jane Seymour? I totally should have been in Wedding Crashers.

KK: That would be problematic. Doesn’t anyone recall when I stabbed Genevieve Teague through the heart?

MR: More like the boob.

AoT: Even Seymour’s breasts get talked about. (to AG and MM) Can I be that cougar professor?

TW: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

MM: Sorry, Tom, but think that’s a fabulous idea.

TW: (to AM) Nothing good comes from these sessions.

AM: You’re preaching to the choir.

TW: I guess you’re the only sane one in here.

KK: Excuse me?

TW: Point taken. My apologies, Kristin. But you did sit beside Michael.

KK: Michael sits beside me.

MR: And I think you know why.

KK: (to AG and MM) Since I don’t even have to ask, we’re starting the season with Lexana so we can get it over with.

AG: Done.

MM: Your wish is our command.

AM: (to KK) I should just run things through you.

KK: You know I would, but think of your pride.

AM: (hugs her) There’s a reason you’re my best friend.

MR: Oh yeah.

AM: (pulls away) Smack him.

KK: (backhands him hard) Mike!

MR: Like it rough, baby?

MM: I like this. Can you incorporate this attitude into your performance?

MR: Absolutely. Wait, am I in college? Are I like 27?

ED: Michael, you’re 35.

MR: Woman, stop depressing me. I mean “me” as in Lex Luthor. With the yacht and the bald and the sexy.

TW: “The Sexy.” It’s one of your online nicknames.

MR: You just made my day. After Kristin did.

KK: I slapped you! Get a dominatrix!

TW: They also call me “The Sexy” too.

AA: But not me.

TW: You get the coveted title of “Adorkable.”

AA: That gets me through the day.

MR: So, going back to me being a student.

TW: Could be MBA.

KK: Maybe Lex is such a self-centered rich boy that he keeps getting kicked out of school.

AM: Wasn’t that, like, the original Lex? That would regress Lex six seasons.

AG: Actually I think Kristin has a very good idea.

KK: (to AM) Shoot! I’m only supposed to use my powers for good. I forgot.

MM: No need to explain it. The cougar plot is too good. Annette…

AoT: Oh, I’ll make sure I’m in top shape. No disappointments here.

TW: Standard seven-year contract. Great job, Welling.

AM: So, just to go through the motions. Clark and Lana. Lex and Lana. Clark and Chloe. Lex and Chloe, maybe.

MR: I’m in.

AM: Kristin, first assignment: Chloe will not be doing Lex after the cougar plotline. Or, it’s my reason for the breakup. Which cannot include the fact that Lex is more in love with Lana. And no STDs.

ED: Two years of Lois and they haven’t gone there.

KK: Stellar point. Al, Miles, sweeties, I don’t think it’s write that Chloe should have a relationship with Lex after his cougar plotline. And if you can’t do that, Chloe should break up with Lex because she finds out about his relationship with the professor.

MM: We’ll do both. Lex and Chloe will get together, but Lex will start seeing Martha secretly. It’ll blow up in his face. The sorrow will lead him to Lana.

AM: Kristin, you screwed it up. Chloe’s being cheated on.

KK: Wasn’t any better for me. Now I’m the rebound girl for both you and Martha.

AoT: What do I teach?

AM: I’m afraid that may not matter. I doubt these dodos will ever show you teaching.

AG: Teaching is boring.

AM: Even though that crucial seduction scene will have to occur within class? Say she’s a poli-sci professor. Wouldn’t her passionate speeches in class about the fundamentals of democracy or the constant struggle between fulfilling the campaign promises and pressure to contributors be the hook that attracts Lex.

AoT: Wow, Alli, you’ve given me direction.

MM: She could give that same speech in her office.

AM: Why in her office?

MM: Then they can have sex on the desk.

AM: Your logic astounds me. One, I didn’t mean for the speech to immediately lead to sexual relations. Rather I was suggesting that her sexually mature character be developed so that it lends credence to Lex’s cougar plot.

AG: I like Al’s way better. Sex on the desk is the way to go. Maybe Lex has come by to ask about class, I don’t know, however college works.

MM: Good idea.

AM: (infuriated) Kristin, new request: It’s Chloe’s entrancing charms that lures in both Clark and Lex. And other boyfriends-of-the-week.

AA: What about me?

AM: Oh, Jimmy doesn’t require any effort.

AA: Hey!

AM: (calms down) My apologies, Aaron. I tell you what: (to KK) Jimmy will hook up with both Chloe and Lois. And his scenes with Lois will often require her to be in her underwear.

KK: I’m sure that’s already in the business plan.

AM: And I won’t speak a word about how Jimmy’s cousin-jumping.

AA: That means a lot.

TW: It means a lot to us all.

ED: Do I get any say in this?

AM: Erica, you’re a tart. You strip down to your skivvies in front of the camera for sport.

TW: (wide-eyed) Can our intimate scene require underwear?

AM: You buy my gym membership and we can have a sheet-only scene.

TW: (eyes widen; he begins to chant) I have a wife, I have a wife, I have a wife…

AM: Oh, and she’s has to be here.

MR: Oh, I just had a naughty thought.

KK: That hardly warrants an announcement.

MR: (to AM) Can we have nakie scenes?

AM: No, Lex-and-Chloe will be on a strict fade-to-black agreement.

MR: (to KK) And us?

KK: No underwear. I’ll allow bare back but no side boob.

MR: (depressed) Uck, artistic. (to ED) And us?

ED: If my agent hadn’t insisted on that stupid no-nudity clause…

AM: Chloe’s a journalism major, right?

MM: I suppose. Why does that matter?

AM: (sarcastic) Yeah, why does it?

TW: Anyway, it’s been an hour. About time to get a phone call about why we can’t do this.

(MM’s cell phone rings)

MM: Hello? Oh, yeah, but… c’mon… like that… seriously… well… damn… what if we… so… got it. (hangs up) Yeah, since we’re in the 8:00 EST time slot, the so-call (with finger quotes) “family time” spot, we can’t do a show that so sex-based.

AM: Seriously? Because a lot of very sexual shows are aired in the early spot.

AG: Well, apparently Dawn’s on some kind of Family “watch list” and we’re catching the brunt of that.

MR: So, I’m thinking pool party.

KK: Michael, we’re in Canada.

MR: Durance has a hot tub.

ED: Durance does have a hot tub. Though we have a strict no-suit policy.

KK: I’m out.

AM: Me, too.

AA: I’m not comfortable in group settings like that.

TW: Jamie’d killed me.

MR: Guys, don’t leave me hanging…

KK: If that’s a double entendre, I swear…

MR: Who has the dirty mind now? C’mon, me, Erica, and Davey boy? No way I’m being part of a Devil’s threeway.

ED: You do realize we’re not actually…

MR: Durance, I thrive on the “not actually.”

AoT: I could be persuaded.

MR: Finally. Someone’s willing to help a bro out. Let’s head out.

(MR leaves with ED and AoT in tow)

KK: You don’t think they’re actually going to…?

AM: Better left unknown. (to TW) Not to freak you out, but you realize that my reluctance was purely about Michael, right?

TW: Um, okay…

AM: Don’t play coy with me, Tommy, I remember you groaning last year about Jamie making you put in a hot tub. I’m just saying… you and Jamie want to invite me and the boy over for some innocent naked fun… we’ll stay open-minded.

KK: Yeah, if it weren’t for my paralyzing fear of ending up on the front of some tabloid, you know I’d be in.

TW: This is all very… enticing… but it’s not gonna happen. For one, my house is back in LA.

AM: Oh, yeah. That’s where Peter is!

TW: Okay, I’ll talk it over with Jamie. Lord knows she’ll get excited at the proposition.

(they leave)

AG: Miles, we should work a hot tub into our next series.

MM: Al, we’ve been talking hot tubs for years. Remember “Thirst”?

AG: It was kind of a waste. Blood and all.

MM: Oh, well, back to the drawing board. You got the Blockbuster card?

AG: Always.