A/N: This was inspired by Castville on TWoP. I don’t know where I came up with the idea, but I ran with it. I’ll probably do a series of these.
Castville’s motto is “When the Inmates Run the Asylum.” The question I seek to answer is what happens “When the Docs are Loonier than the Patients.”Scene: Dawn Ostroff’s Office, CW Studios
(Al Gough and Miles Millar, creators of Smallville, enter)
AG: Hey, Dawny, what’s up, girl?
DO: (sternly) Sit down.
(AG and MM sit down)
DO: We have to talk about Smallville.
AG: (near hysterics) We’re sorry there’s no more Lana!
MM: (pleading) Kristin was insistent!
DO: (calmly) This is not about Lana.
(AG and MM survey her as if it’s the most preposterous thing they’ve ever heard)
DO: Look, guys, Smallville is our flagship, and the ratings are falling… fast. Look, you’ve got to think of a way to bring up ratings.
MM: More naked?
DO: That’d usually be my answer, but, no. Look, you two already borrow enough from other movies and TV shows. Maybe you ought take some inspiration from elsewhere.
(both MM and AG, in unison, tilt their heads in thought)
AG: Thanks for the advice.
(they race out)
DO: Somehow, I know I’m going to regret this.
Scene: Smallville Meeting Room
(Tom, Kristin, Michael, Allison, and Erica enter)
AG: Thank you for coming, you all. We have a very big announcement about Season 7.
MM: We’ll be taking inspiration from the show Coupling. We watched a few episodes and we love it.
AG: We want to mix it up with Smallville, just to see what it’d be like.
AM: The British sitcom? Um, guys, just a warning. Last time they remade it for American audiences, it bombed so badly they took it off the air after four episodes and it was disowned by NBC.
AG: That’s the one.
MM: Except we hadn’t heard about the British version.
AM: Well, that explains a lot.
MR: So, what exactly are we taking from the show?
AG: Well, we’re thinking about redesigning your characters to be more like the characters on the show.
TW: Uh, that sounds horrible. All our characters are pretty well defined.
AM and KK: Except for Lana.
AM: Jinx.
KK: Dammit!
AG: Also, we’re trying to distance ourselves from the whole “supernatural” mythology.
ED: As in our sister show, or the genre as a whole?
MM: Whichever allows us to pay less attention to the comics.
AM: (cringing) Our shows have very little in common. It’s like mixing… (ironically) halibut and fudge.
MM: You know, after Crimson, I tried that. It wasn’t bad.
AG: So, we’re thinking, we’ve got three male leads and three female leads. It works out perfectly.
KK: Guys, what math are you using?
MM: Well, we’ve
ED: John’s gonna take major offense to that.
AG: Oh, no, we’ve carved him out the part of the irreverent bar owner.
MR: Yeah, he’s gonna hate that.
AG: It was his idea.
AM: Wait, you told John before you told us?
AG: Well, he asked us in his “magnificent bastard” voice, “What’s going on, gentlemen?”
MM: We spilt the beans. It wasn’t our fault.
AM: So, did you put any creative thought into how to incorporate the personality changes, or did you just put our characters on one side and their characters on the other with a bunch of equals signs in between them?
MM: You’ve been trespassing our offices!
AG: (pulls out a sheet of paper) So, here’s how we figure it…
ED: Is that thing in crayon?
AG: Well, we try not to keep any sharp writing implements in our offices anymore. After “Thirst,” we didn’t want to risk personal injury should a cast member or fan somehow get in there.
MM: Crayons break if you chib us in the chest. Also, much less likely to cause permanent damage to our eyes.
MR: And to think there are people who think you two are incapable of intelligent thought. You sure showed them.
MM: Right you are!
KK: (deadpan) So, the suspense is killing me.
AG: Well, for the part of Jane…
MR: Twenty bucks says it’s Lois.
AM: She’s not kooky enough, but out of the three of us, most likely to be voted “Sexually Ambiguous.”
ED: (sincerely) Thanks!
AG: (deflated) Well, you’re right…
ED: Hold it; are you gonna make me kiss another girl?
(AG and MM exchange glances)
MM: Well, Erica, it’s not required, but if you’d keep an open mind…
ED: You’re not gonna make me wear the pleather catsuit again, are you?
(AG and MM exchange glances)
AG: Well, Erica, it’s not required, but if you’d keep an open mind…
MM: Didn’t you ask to borrow it once?
ED: I needed it to help convince David to take me to
AM and KK: TMI.
AM: Jinx.
KK: Double dammit!
MM: Now we really had to ponder Sally and Susan.
AM: Let me guess, you wanted Kristin to constantly brag about her youthful body, like Sally, but couldn’t reconcile it with the fact that Susan’s supposed to be the female lead.
AG: Is there listening equipment in our office?
AM: No. And you two are living proof of it.
(long pause)
AM: Let it simmer.
(TW, MR, and ED get looks of epiphany; AM hazards a glance at KK)
KK: (whispers back) Oh, I got it immediately, it’s just better for my career if I don’t openly laugh at them.
AM: So, guys, let’s see. Being too simple-minded to actually mix-and-match traits, you could either make Lana a sensible and mature albeit flawed character like Susan, which is not a bad idea, but probably preposterous to you two wackos.
AG: Um…
AM: No, please, let me finish. Option two would be let Chloe take the more prominent role over Lana, which I guess is even more preposterous. Now, of course, I think it’s a great idea, but even I’ll admit my opinion is biased. So, let’s take a poll: who here thinks Chloe should get more screen time?
(TW, ED, KK, and MR raise their hands)
AM: And even if that’s not enough support, I just so happened to have posted the same question on my blog, Television Without Pity, KryptonSite, and Sweet. The results after seventeen hours: (opens her laptop) 99% of surfers to my blog, 96% of TWoP, 88% of KryptonSite, and 0% of Sweet thinks I deserve more air time. And before you even bring up Sweet, I should mention that the poll also had exactly 0 views, because let’s face it, Sweeties probably skimmed right over the post because they saw it had “Chloe” in the subject line.
MR: Man, Alli, you got cajones!
AM: Actually, I don’t really. And not just literally. Al and Miles haven’t actually been listening to me because Kristin did me a favor and smiled at them while I was ranting.
(indeed, AG and MM are gazing vacantly at KK)
AM: (to KK) You can stop now. I’ll buy you dinner, okay?
TW: Al, Miles, what’s the verdict?
AM: Yes, how are you getting yourself out of this conundrum?
AG: We’re making the lead actress Sally-Lana.
AM: There it is!
KK: I’m sorry.
AM: Oh, it’s not your fault. I blame your parents for having such an exotic-looking mixed-race child.
KK: I’ll let them know that their procreation was unappreciated.
AM: It’s only half their fault. Tweedlewink and Tweedlewank just as guilty.
TW: (aside to MR) Which one’s which, d’you think?
MR: Well, Miles is obviously Twettlewank.
AM: Very astute.
TW: You’re kind of shameless, Alli.
AM: Well, Erica is distracting them with her tight shirt.
TW: Erica, doesn’t make you feel dirty?
ER: Oh, they’re not aroused. They see it as a marketing opportunity.
MM: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
AG: Some kind of Pussycat Dolls tie-in?
MM: I was actually thinking more along the lines of underwear. But you idea’s great, too! Maybe we could do both?
AG: In the same show? What a waste! Let’s split them up!
MM: We’re creative geniuses, you know that?
AG: I know.
MR: Allison, what about the Chloevage?
AM: After Erica, it’s old news.
ER: Sorry.
AM: No, no, it’s not your fault. I blame your plastic surgeon.
(ED is rendered speechless trying to object)
TW: So, anyway, Lois is now Jane, Chloe is now Susan, and Lana’s Sally. How are you assigning the guys?
AG: Well, Jeff was a no-brainer.
ED: Well, we all know Tom couldn’t pull it off.
TW: Hey!
AM: Tom, we love you, but she’s right.
TW: (near tears) Oh, I know, but I just hate that it’s so obvious.
AM: There, there. (rubs his head)
ED: You’re a very talented actor. (pats his back)
AG: Can we get back to the casting?
MM: It is our opinion that Jimmy is a better fit for the Jeff character.
MR: And how are the other two going to break down?
ED: Well, for Patrick, the self-announcing fantastic lover and overconfident businessman just screams Lex.
MR: I’d protest, but you just called Lex a fantastic lover. I can deal with that.
AM: On the other hand, the brainless simpleton who thinks with the wrong head fits
TW: Hey!
AM: (sympathetic again) It’s not your fault. I blame the writers.
TW: (child-like) Thanks, Allison. You’re my new best friend.
ED: As pretty and as easy as he is, I’m surprised he held out for a model.
(KK nods in agreement)
MM: Well, actually we were going to go with Lex as Patrick, but we like your interpretation better. This way, it’s more like the original show and the two of them hook up.
AM: I’m surprised you’d ever go with
AG: Oh, we were going to change that anyway. After
ED: Hey, that actually makes sense.
AM: (to AG and MM) Kudos.
AG: No, thanks; we already ate.
MM: Anyway, so now how it’s going to work is
AM: Among other things, that regresses up at least a season.
MR: Wait, so now that I’m Steve, does that mean we’re going to have Chlex?
MM: Ew, gross.
AG: No canon HoYay! (makes a cross with his fingers)
(AM’s head falls to the table)
MR: Kuh-lex. Chloe and Lex. Stupid, um, … (to AM) what’s the word?
AM: Homophonic?
MR: Yeah, stupid homophobic shipper names.
KK: (giggling) Ironic.
TW: How much of the show are we incorporating?
AG: Eh, we figured we just copy the pilot plot. I bet there’s a way to seamlessly transfer it from the season finale.
MR: So, let me get this straight. In the pilot episode, after Bizarro is defeated, Lana is brought back to life, Chloe is woken from her coma, and Lex gets out of jail scot-free…
TW: This makes no sense. How do resolve all these cliffhangers?
AG: Oh, we’ll get rid of them pretty quick. Maybe we’ll just jump a couple years into the future.
(the cast starts to protest)
MM: Anyway, so in the season premiere, Lex dumps Lois because she’s too sexually aggressive.
MR: (grinning) That’s preposterous.
MM: Good point. Maybe Lex is too sexually aggressive and Lois dumps him.
ED: That’s even more preposterous!
AG: Good point. Let’s just go with the default. He’s in love with Lana.
(MR, ED, and KK’s heads hit the desk)
TW: And then Chloe dumps
AM: That’s preposterous! Chloe is madly in love with
MM: Good point. He’s in love with Lana, too.
(TW, AM, and KK’s heads hit the desk)
KK: You know; I’ve got to stop that. I’m gonna kill myself.
AM: So, wait, how does this work? Isn’t Steve/Lex supposed to ask out Susan/Chloe?
AG: Actually, we’d like to tweak that.
AM: I can hardly wait.
AG: He’s going to recognize Chloe as Lana’s best friend.
AM: How? The only reason Susan knew Steve was through Jeff.
MM: Everyone knows Lana.
AM: Of course. One question, though, is Jimmy going to be in love with Lana, too?
AG: Of course not, he’s not right in the head. We’re going to set him up with Chloe again.
AM: I should have just let Kristen Bell have this curse.
TW: And then you’d get her show?
MR: You’d still’ve had to play kissy-face with Aaron Ashmore.
AM: Yeah, but I’d still get more romantic interests… who don’t want to kill me. (pause) Okay, but at least not the majority of them.
TW: So Chloe and Jimmy?
AM: But on Coupling, Jeff had a panic attack when he and Susan tried to hook up.
MM: Hey, I like that! We’ll still do that!
AG: But they’re still getting together.
AM: By making Chloe more like Susan and Jimmy more like Jeff, they’re even less compatible.
AG: But think! Office sex!
AM: (deadpan) You’ve completely won me over. The only reason they were believable in the first place is that
TW: What?
AM: Sorry, Tom, it’s not your fault. I blame the writers and these two morons.
AG & MM: Hey!
AM: Girls, where was my cover?
KK: Sorry, you didn’t give us any advance warning.
AM: Fine, I’ll do it myself. (unbuttons the top button of her shirt and yanks up her bra straps)
AG: (laughing) Allison, sorry, but the Chloevage doesn’t work on us.
AM: (dejcted) As you were.
AG: What were we talking about?
MM: I don’t remember…
(AM high-fives ED and KK under the table)
(when she goes to do the same with TW, he’s blatantly staring at her chest)
AM: Tom!
TW: Sorry, it’s like a tractor beam!
AM: Mike’s not staring…
TW: (acidly) It’s called immersion therapy. He’s got blown-up pictures off your low-cut top scenes taped to his bedroom wall.
AM: Mike?
MR: It’s not like it’s just you. I also have Erica’s House of the Dead nude scene, and that skanky eyeliner shoot Kristin did.
KK: It was not skanky! It was artistic! And Erica did FHM!
MR: Yeah, I got that spread on the east wall.
ED: (hugs him) I didn’t know you cared!
AM: I can’t believe this! You’re despicable!
MR: How ‘bout you ask Tom what he’s asked for Christmas and his birthday for that last three years. That’s right. The north wall. His favorite is the Truth scene. (makes the motions of a shirt being ripped open)
AM: Tom, you’re… you’re married!
TW: What? Jamie has a high appreciation of the Chloevage.
AM: Really? (sweetly) Well, you know, it’s not like you two ever invite me over. I’d be more than happy to throw on something low-cut for my two best buds.
MR: (chortles) Sorry, thought that was supposed to be a double entendre.
ED: I’d be willing to wear something low-cut to go to Welling’s.
AM: Erica, you’d go naked.
ED: (seriously) Yes, I would. And I expect the same courtesy to anyone who drops in to see me and Dave.
KK: I’m really freaked out right now.
MR: Me, too. If by “freaked out,” you mean “turned on.”
(KK smacks MR)
(AM turns to MM and AG, noting they appear in deep thought as they survey her décolleté)
AM: Oh, for decency’s sake! (buttons up her shirt)
(AG and MM snap out of it; TW and MR groan sadly)
AM: Look, I’m usually not one to advocate triangles but Chlimmy is not going last long. Suspension of believe is only holding that elephant for a few episodes.
AG: You know, that’s not a bad idea. Maybe Jimmy can walk in on Lois naked; that makes people fall in love, right?
AM: This world you live in, it scares me, guys. And, no, seeing someone naked doesn’t necessarily preclude them to fall in love.
MM: But,
TW: That’s actually a fault of logic known as The Fallacy of Coincidental Correlation, or post hoc. Just because one action precedes another doesn’t necessarily mean it caused the other.
(silence)
TW: Jamie and I like Wikipedia.
KK: Plus, guys, you’ve done nothing to move
AM: And despite sporadic teasing, the only movement of
AG: (angrily) Okay Allison, the two of us have tried to let it slide, but that’s like the tenth big word you’ve used. Knock it off. We’re producers for the CW, not the Learning Channel.
AM: What about Amy Sherman, the producer of Gilmore Girls? She must have an impressive vocabulary.
MM: Oh, we tend to avoid her at parties. She had a good titbit or two about love triangles, but when she starts blabbering about dialogue, we tend to duck away.
AM: You want small words? Get Chloe a good love interest besides Jimmy!
AG: (exchanges glances with MM) Well, maybe when Lex is more devoted to Lana than Clark is because of his secrets and lies, she can let Chloe have Clark.
KK: (sarcastic) How thoughtful. I can hear the TWoPpers screaming for my head as we speak.
AM: Al, you make it sound like Lana’s giving table scraps to her little lapdog. (sighs) Well, at least
AG: Oh, okay, sorta. I was actually thinking about this happening after Jimmy leaves Chloe for Lois. Sort of a “I can’t have the person I really want, so let’s just have meaningless sex so we can feel guilty and dirty in the morning” thing. No need to waste time on emotional development or anything.
(AM leaps from her chair and lunges at AG & MM; TW grasps her around her midsection, holding her back)
AM: Please, Tom, they’re ruining our characters!
TW: I know, I know. Just calm down, we’ll get Kelly Sounders to write the script. She loves Chloe. And since it’s an episode they don’t care about, I’ll bet they’ll let one of us direct.
AM: (heavy breathing) Okay, okay, you’re right. That’s Tom. I was about to commit professional suicide. (turns to AG and MM) Look, guy, I…
(they’re dazed by KK enigmatically smiling at them and ED adjusting her bra straps)
AM: (with great appreciation) Oh, ladies, you’re the best. (hugs them both around the neck, and places a kiss on each of their cheeks)
(she turns to MR, who’s gazing) Michael!
MR: What? I’m not thinking dirty thoughts.
AM: Both your hands, on the table. Now.
(both MR’s hands appear on the table)
AG: So, is everyone happy?
TW: Define “happy.”
MM: “Not going to slit our throats in the night.”
KK: That was never a stipulation in my contract.
AM: I can promise you that if I do, it’ll be in the daytime.
TW:
AG: No.
TW: (zero enthusiasm) I’m in.
MR: Can Lex develop a British accent?
MM: Since apparently it’s a British show, I’ll consent to that.
ED: David gets to guest star and play one of my love interests.
AG: We were going to ask anyway. How open-minded is he?
ED: He married me.
MM: Perfect.
(MM’s cell phone rings)
MM: Hello? (calmly) Alright. I see. Excellent, excellent. That’s fine. No, fine. Mm-hmm. Of course. No, no, no, you’re right. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you. You too. Bye.
AG: Who was that?
MM: (non-chalantly) BBC. They heard about our ideas and gave us a very firm cease-and-desist. They kindly informed us that their lawyers are on red alert with lawsuits ready for us, Dawn, CW, Warner Brothers, Time Warner, CBS, Moonves, and DC Comics.
ED: So, that’s pretty much kills the whole season?
MM: Oh, no, we’ve got a list of ideas. (shows her a clipboard, which he displays to AG) Looks like this is Option 2.
AG: Well, we’ll get straight to work on it. Alright, everyone, see you bright and early tomorrow morning. We’ll be hashing out Season 7.
(they promptly leave)AM: (sighs) It’s going to be a long year.
