NSVC: Somebody Saved by the Bell

AG: Saved by the Bell.

AM: Uh, too late, we’re all out of college.

MM: Then the College Years.

ED: ‘Cause that spin-off worked so well.

TW: None of our characters are in college.

AM: (defensively) Chloe is.

ED: Really?

AM: (insistent) Yes.

AG: Really? College is stupid.

AM: No, Chloe is going to college, dammit. It’s just boring to film, so we always show her at the Planet.

MM: That sounds familiar.

AM: You said it. In an interview.

MM: Oh, we don’t actually write what we tell interviewers. Why do you think we have a writing staff?

AM: Up until now, I thought it was to write a television show, but this is revealing none the less.

AG: Anyway, everyone’s going back to college.

TW: I thought you said college was boring.

AG: It is. It’s all going to take place in the dorm rooms.

ED: Naughty.

AM: I hope it’s not really going to be about just that.

MM: Well, Ostroff did kind of hint that way.

AM: I doubt she meant we should indiscriminately jump into bed with one another.

MM: I think those were her exact words.

AG: Well, and various guest stars.

AM: Look, you can’t make a show completely about sex.

ED: Coupling.

TW: Sex and the City.

MR: Doogie Howser.

KK: I’m not even going to…

AM: Look, go ahead with your endless strings and permutation of relationships. It’s not like I could stop you anyway.

TW: True.

MR: True.

ED: Very true.

KK: I’m going to have to invest in some serious chap stick.

MR: And breath mints. (KK smacks him)

AM: But there can be other sets. The student union.

MM: But…

AM: Look, you can’t introduce new characters by having them wander into our dorm room.

AG: Well, there goes Episode 2, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 14, 15, 19, 20, 21 and the first two-thirds of Season 2.

AM: But they can meet in the student union. Like normal people. Sex can then move into the dorm room.

MR: Who says it has to move?

AG: I like the way you think, Michael.

AM: God damn you, Rosenbaum.

MM: She’s right, though.

AM: What about a library set?

MM: Boring.

AM: But…

ED: Choose your battles, Alli.

AM: Can I twist your arms into a fraternity or a sorority?

AG: Done and done.

AM: How about a classroom?

MM: Boring.

AM: How about the hallway outside a classroom?

MM: How’s that more exciting?

AM: (lamely) More opportunities to meet potential love interests. (she snaps a pencil in half)

AG: Hey, not half bad.

TW: I think we’ve come to the point of the show when we try to guess which character from Saved By the Bell you’re equating us with, even though I’m sure we’ve come to the point when it’s really unnecessary. I mean in this setting, the characters can kind of function on their own.

KK: (blurts out) Lana is Kelly.

AG: Good job. (with sincerity; to MM) We should have brought candy.

KK: I’m not 5!

MR: Well, I’ve narrowed down myself and Clark being Zack and Slater.

AA: Jimmy’s Screech. Let’s just throw that out there. And we can skip five minutes of jokes at my expense.

AM: I’ll save you, Aaron. Chloe’s obviously Jessie.

ED: Height issues aside.

AM: I’m short. You’re tall. How deep can this go?

ED: Way to take the wind from my sails, Alli.

AM: (dryly) The guilt is crushing, I assure you.

ED: Wait, does that leave me being the token black chick with a fashion obsession? What was her name?

AA: Dude, I don’t remember. Ow. Harsh.

TW: It’s quite telling that we forget the minority character.

MR: Seriously? Her name was Lisa Turtle. She was played by actress Lark Voorhies.

KK: Michael. Just… never mind.

AA: So, two fashion-obsessed teens on the same show?

AM: Our generation was apparently very shallow.

ED: I can’t say much for the current one. They hired me to be Lois Lane for more than my acting skills.

AM: I’m wondering how much how much your acting experience factored in.

ED: Excuse me, I had numerous television and film roles before I joined this show.

AM: So did I! And I was a child actor. I’ve been doing this since I was five. I didn’t have to wait until my boobs grew in to get my start.

TW: Should we get involved?

MR: Shh! They’re talking about boobs.

ED: You have an online name for your boobs.

AM: That’s better than online speculation about whether mine are real. There are two people on this show whose breasts are talked about.

AoT: That’s a good point. My breasts are never discussed.

MR: I’ll discuss them with you. I think they’re wonderful.

AoT: Is this conversation inevitably going to veer towards Cat People?

MR: It’s funny you should mention Cat People…

(TW chuckles to himself in his seat)

ED: Hold it. If I’m Lisa, doesn’t that mean Jimmy has a crush on me?

TW: Jimmy would have a crush on you.

AM: He would not. He’s dating Chloe. Why should he be interested in Lois?

ED: Why would Lois become interested in Clark knowing her cousin was in love with him?

AM: She wouldn’t. She’s interested in Clark first and… stop bringing up scenarios where the Chlois Theory fixes everything.

TW: Online, they call the Jimmy/Lois relationship J-Lo.

ED: Oh my gaw, that totally makes me want to have sex with Jimmy.

AA: Erica, please don’t personify your character. It makes me have thoughts I shouldn’t have with a married woman.

ED: Dammit, David Palffy, why do you ruin all my fantasies? And why is your last name Palffy? Have I really been Mrs. Palffy for two years?

AM: Erica, please, it’s weird enough when Michael forget he’s not Lex Luthor.

MR: What are you talking about? I am Lex Luthor. I am bald and sexy. I have a yacht and a private jet. Who wants to have sex with me? How ‘bout you, Martha Kent?

AoT: Oh, boy, don’t I wish. (tickles him under the chin)

TW: Annette, don’t encourage him. It’s skeevy.

AG: I think you have point there. Lex Luthor gets it on with cougar professor.

MR: Dude, can we bring in Jane Seymour? I totally should have been in Wedding Crashers.

KK: That would be problematic. Doesn’t anyone recall when I stabbed Genevieve Teague through the heart?

MR: More like the boob.

AoT: Even Seymour’s breasts get talked about. (to AG and MM) Can I be that cougar professor?

TW: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

MM: Sorry, Tom, but think that’s a fabulous idea.

TW: (to AM) Nothing good comes from these sessions.

AM: You’re preaching to the choir.

TW: I guess you’re the only sane one in here.

KK: Excuse me?

TW: Point taken. My apologies, Kristin. But you did sit beside Michael.

KK: Michael sits beside me.

MR: And I think you know why.

KK: (to AG and MM) Since I don’t even have to ask, we’re starting the season with Lexana so we can get it over with.

AG: Done.

MM: Your wish is our command.

AM: (to KK) I should just run things through you.

KK: You know I would, but think of your pride.

AM: (hugs her) There’s a reason you’re my best friend.

MR: Oh yeah.

AM: (pulls away) Smack him.

KK: (backhands him hard) Mike!

MR: Like it rough, baby?

MM: I like this. Can you incorporate this attitude into your performance?

MR: Absolutely. Wait, am I in college? Are I like 27?

ED: Michael, you’re 35.

MR: Woman, stop depressing me. I mean “me” as in Lex Luthor. With the yacht and the bald and the sexy.

TW: “The Sexy.” It’s one of your online nicknames.

MR: You just made my day. After Kristin did.

KK: I slapped you! Get a dominatrix!

TW: They also call me “The Sexy” too.

AA: But not me.

TW: You get the coveted title of “Adorkable.”

AA: That gets me through the day.

MR: So, going back to me being a student.

TW: Could be MBA.

KK: Maybe Lex is such a self-centered rich boy that he keeps getting kicked out of school.

AM: Wasn’t that, like, the original Lex? That would regress Lex six seasons.

AG: Actually I think Kristin has a very good idea.

KK: (to AM) Shoot! I’m only supposed to use my powers for good. I forgot.

MM: No need to explain it. The cougar plot is too good. Annette…

AoT: Oh, I’ll make sure I’m in top shape. No disappointments here.

TW: Standard seven-year contract. Great job, Welling.

AM: So, just to go through the motions. Clark and Lana. Lex and Lana. Clark and Chloe. Lex and Chloe, maybe.

MR: I’m in.

AM: Kristin, first assignment: Chloe will not be doing Lex after the cougar plotline. Or, it’s my reason for the breakup. Which cannot include the fact that Lex is more in love with Lana. And no STDs.

ED: Two years of Lois and they haven’t gone there.

KK: Stellar point. Al, Miles, sweeties, I don’t think it’s write that Chloe should have a relationship with Lex after his cougar plotline. And if you can’t do that, Chloe should break up with Lex because she finds out about his relationship with the professor.

MM: We’ll do both. Lex and Chloe will get together, but Lex will start seeing Martha secretly. It’ll blow up in his face. The sorrow will lead him to Lana.

AM: Kristin, you screwed it up. Chloe’s being cheated on.

KK: Wasn’t any better for me. Now I’m the rebound girl for both you and Martha.

AoT: What do I teach?

AM: I’m afraid that may not matter. I doubt these dodos will ever show you teaching.

AG: Teaching is boring.

AM: Even though that crucial seduction scene will have to occur within class? Say she’s a poli-sci professor. Wouldn’t her passionate speeches in class about the fundamentals of democracy or the constant struggle between fulfilling the campaign promises and pressure to contributors be the hook that attracts Lex.

AoT: Wow, Alli, you’ve given me direction.

MM: She could give that same speech in her office.

AM: Why in her office?

MM: Then they can have sex on the desk.

AM: Your logic astounds me. One, I didn’t mean for the speech to immediately lead to sexual relations. Rather I was suggesting that her sexually mature character be developed so that it lends credence to Lex’s cougar plot.

AG: I like Al’s way better. Sex on the desk is the way to go. Maybe Lex has come by to ask about class, I don’t know, however college works.

MM: Good idea.

AM: (infuriated) Kristin, new request: It’s Chloe’s entrancing charms that lures in both Clark and Lex. And other boyfriends-of-the-week.

AA: What about me?

AM: Oh, Jimmy doesn’t require any effort.

AA: Hey!

AM: (calms down) My apologies, Aaron. I tell you what: (to KK) Jimmy will hook up with both Chloe and Lois. And his scenes with Lois will often require her to be in her underwear.

KK: I’m sure that’s already in the business plan.

AM: And I won’t speak a word about how Jimmy’s cousin-jumping.

AA: That means a lot.

TW: It means a lot to us all.

ED: Do I get any say in this?

AM: Erica, you’re a tart. You strip down to your skivvies in front of the camera for sport.

TW: (wide-eyed) Can our intimate scene require underwear?

AM: You buy my gym membership and we can have a sheet-only scene.

TW: (eyes widen; he begins to chant) I have a wife, I have a wife, I have a wife…

AM: Oh, and she’s has to be here.

MR: Oh, I just had a naughty thought.

KK: That hardly warrants an announcement.

MR: (to AM) Can we have nakie scenes?

AM: No, Lex-and-Chloe will be on a strict fade-to-black agreement.

MR: (to KK) And us?

KK: No underwear. I’ll allow bare back but no side boob.

MR: (depressed) Uck, artistic. (to ED) And us?

ED: If my agent hadn’t insisted on that stupid no-nudity clause…

AM: Chloe’s a journalism major, right?

MM: I suppose. Why does that matter?

AM: (sarcastic) Yeah, why does it?

TW: Anyway, it’s been an hour. About time to get a phone call about why we can’t do this.

(MM’s cell phone rings)

MM: Hello? Oh, yeah, but… c’mon… like that… seriously… well… damn… what if we… so… got it. (hangs up) Yeah, since we’re in the 8:00 EST time slot, the so-call (with finger quotes) “family time” spot, we can’t do a show that so sex-based.

AM: Seriously? Because a lot of very sexual shows are aired in the early spot.

AG: Well, apparently Dawn’s on some kind of Family “watch list” and we’re catching the brunt of that.

MR: So, I’m thinking pool party.

KK: Michael, we’re in Canada.

MR: Durance has a hot tub.

ED: Durance does have a hot tub. Though we have a strict no-suit policy.

KK: I’m out.

AM: Me, too.

AA: I’m not comfortable in group settings like that.

TW: Jamie’d killed me.

MR: Guys, don’t leave me hanging…

KK: If that’s a double entendre, I swear…

MR: Who has the dirty mind now? C’mon, me, Erica, and Davey boy? No way I’m being part of a Devil’s threeway.

ED: You do realize we’re not actually…

MR: Durance, I thrive on the “not actually.”

AoT: I could be persuaded.

MR: Finally. Someone’s willing to help a bro out. Let’s head out.

(MR leaves with ED and AoT in tow)

KK: You don’t think they’re actually going to…?

AM: Better left unknown. (to TW) Not to freak you out, but you realize that my reluctance was purely about Michael, right?

TW: Um, okay…

AM: Don’t play coy with me, Tommy, I remember you groaning last year about Jamie making you put in a hot tub. I’m just saying… you and Jamie want to invite me and the boy over for some innocent naked fun… we’ll stay open-minded.

KK: Yeah, if it weren’t for my paralyzing fear of ending up on the front of some tabloid, you know I’d be in.

TW: This is all very… enticing… but it’s not gonna happen. For one, my house is back in LA.

AM: Oh, yeah. That’s where Peter is!

TW: Okay, I’ll talk it over with Jamie. Lord knows she’ll get excited at the proposition.

(they leave)

AG: Miles, we should work a hot tub into our next series.

MM: Al, we’ve been talking hot tubs for years. Remember “Thirst”?

AG: It was kind of a waste. Blood and all.

MM: Oh, well, back to the drawing board. You got the Blockbuster card?

AG: Always.

The New Smallville Chronicles

Where the Docs are Looniers than the Inmates

Coupleville
The Dukes of Smallville
Jimmigan's Island
Cheap Gin
Clark & Lana: The New Adventures
Smallvillian Idol
Clark Potter
Somebody Saved by the Bell
New Episode coming soon...

Director's Commentary: Before Smallville decided are their current direction for the seventh season, our favorite producers Al and Miles had a number of brainstorming sessions with the cast about different ideas about how to reinvigorate the show. These are those sessions.

NSVC: Clark Potter and the Deus Ex Machina

(Alfred Gough and Miles Millar enter the reading room, where the cast is patiently waiting)

AG: (announces) Harry Potter.

TW: It’s not even a TV show.

MM: J.K. Rowling is richer than the Queen!

AM: Humor me. How are you going to mesh these mythologies?

AG: Pictures this: “Metropolis University for the Metahuman.”

ED: (breaks out laughing) Sorry, I shouldn’t have pictured it. It’s really a cool idea, I swear.

AM: I do have to give you props on knowing the word “metahuman.”

AG: So, every week…

TW: Oh, dear lord, you’re bringing back Freaks of the Week, aren’t you?

AA: Clark’s going to be kicking the asses of his schoolmates again, isn’t he?

MM: People liked it.

TW: So, I’m guessing I’m the Harry Potter character.

AM: Let’s see… unruly black hair, symbolic scar, huge crush on a Chinese girl…

KK: I am half­-Chinese

AM: Kristin, we’ve been working together for six years. I know your ethnicity. Look, if Michael can tease me about being German-born, I think you can forgive me for diluting your race for a moment to make a point.

MR: (raises arm) Heil Mack!

AM: And because he’s Jewish, I can’t actually respond.

(KK smiles sympathetically)

AoT: Harry’s parents are dead? Does that mean I’m off the show? (checks her watch)

AG: Well, good point. Actually, aren’t only Harry’s biological parents dead?

AoT: So, what? I’m Aunt Petunia?

MM: Perhaps our Aunt Petunia won’t be a total bitch. And hot.

AoT: Eh, whatever pays the bills.

AM: I’m the Hermione parallel, aren’t I?

AG: We thought it most appropriate.

ED: Hopefully, they’ll style your hair better than hers.

AM: Or better than they have been.

MR: Hermione doesn’t have bad hair. Have you seen Emma Watson lately? She’s a babe in the making.

KK: Rosenbaum, she’s like half your age, you dirty old man.

MR: (pauses to do the math) Oh, dear god, she’s right! (grabs TW’s lapels) Tom, we’re so old! We’re going to die alone!

TW: I’ve been married for five years.

MR: What? To who?

AM: “Whom.”

MR: (says something in mock German)

(AM rolls her eyes)

TW: Her name’s Jamie. Remember that woman I keep bringing here?
MR: And to the Christmas parties? Dude, she’s really hot. (with interest) You two doing okay?

TW: Mike!

MR: I’m kidding, I’m kidding. (seriously) Does she have a sister?

(TW rolls his eyes)

AM: (surveying the two with amusement) Anyway, who’s your Ron? Ideally, we’d be using Pete.

MR: Ideally, we wouldn’t be using Harry Potter for inspiration.

ED: You love Harry Potter. You wanted to camp out for the last book this July. You invited me to come along.

MR: You accepted.

ED: (proudly) I went as Professor Trelawney.

AoT: The resemblance is uncanny.

AG: So, we’re going with the next best thing: Jimmy.

AA: “Next best thing”? Way to inspire confidence in your characters.

MR: Oh, Aaron, we’re all “the next best thing” next to Kristin.

(KK shrugs apologetically)

MR: If Yakko and Wakko over here had their way, the show’d be called “All About Lana.”

AA: Ron’s supposed to be a redhead, isn’t he?

MR: Jimmy’s supposed to be a redhead, too.

KK: And Lana, as Annette so magnificently portrayed.

AoT: Suck-up. Eh, I really don’t care. I’ll talk to Michael and see if he can get you into his next movie.

KK: Thanks.

AM: Annette, I’ll compliment your brains out if I can break out of animation.

AoT: No one likes a brown-noser, Allison.

AM: (to TW) Where am I?

TW: Same place as me.

AA: Wasn’t Pete supposed to be blond?

AG: We sacrificed some canon to appease the diversity people.

AM: Wasn’t Lois supposed to be a brunette?

ED: I am a brunette!

AM: Your hair’s way to light. I might as well be Lois. Kinda am. (smirk) I’m going to the special hell. I’m not really a Chloiser.

AG: She speaks the name of the heathens!

AM: Get over it.

AoT: Wasn’t Martha is supposed to be white-haired?

MM: What? And hire an old woman instead of a former Superman star? We can’t be worrying about our actresses keeling over.

AM: Erica does.

ED: Once! And I seem to recall we were both a little tipsy.

TW: Can we please go on?

MR: So, are we making Lex Voldemort just so I have to keep shaving my head?

AG: Well, we were originally going to make you Malfoy, but that’s a good point.

MR: Malfoy?! C’mon, Lex is so much more badass than that pipsqueak with his idiot lackeys. (pause) The jokes write themselves. No need to say them aloud.

AM: Party pooper.

JG: So, then, who is Lionel?

MM: Well, now since Lex may be Voldemort…

MR: Whoa! Lionel was going to be Voldemort?

JG: You don’t think I could pull Voldemort?

MR: (gulps) John, you could play God. And the Devil. In the same movie. It would be amazing.

JG: (surveys him, then turns his head dramatically) Yes, yes, it would. I like your thinking, Rosenbaum. I’m going to call my agent. (grabs his phone)

AA: (pointing at John) Um…

MM: You try making him hang up.

AA: (shakes his head fearfully)

MR: Who are you going to associate Lionel with then?

AG: Snape.

(the cast nods in understanding)

AM: Not bad. And Snape had a think for Harry’s mom. (looks to Annette)

AoT: (after acknowledging this, catches JG’s attention)

JG: (holding his phone) I agree. Let’s do it, Miss O’Toole.

AA: It gets creepier every time they do that.

TW: Plus with the morally ambiguous direction we’ve taken Lionel in recently, it works even better.

AM: So you did read the books.

TW: Wikipedia. I didn’t want to be on the outside looking in.

ED: (maliciously) Cheater.
MR: (with equal distaste) It’s people like you who gives humanity in general a bad name.

TW: So, we’re going to eliminate Malfoy?

AM: Ooh, idea! (grabs AA’s arm) Eric Summers.

(affirmative remarks)

AA: Look, I love working with my brother, but if we bring him on, we’re gonna have to explain why Malfoy and Ron look similar.

ED: (grinning) That’d be awesome! They’re both purebloods, right?
(the cast agree or pretend to agree)

MR: (catching on) So… it turns out that Malfoy and Ron are related, even though they hate each other.

AA: Shawn would dig that. But then who’s gonna be the flunkies?

AM: We kind of don’t have the cast for it. Aren’t they’re like dozens of characters?

ED: Plus, if Lana is Cho, then who’s Ginny, the chick he really gets with?

AM: Ideally, that’d be you.

ED: But they can’t do that.

MR: We don’t have a Dumbledore.

AM: Oh, you know Pinky and the Brained here don’t like school settings.

AA: Doesn’t that completely derail the entire season?

AG: Yes.

AM: What?

AG: Well, not exactly that. This…

MM: (on the phone) She mentioned us by name? (hangs up) Okay, so we’re not “allowed” to do it.

TW: I didn’t even eat breakfast, ‘cause I knew we’d be out so quickly. So, I’ve got a table for eight reserved at IHOP at 9:30. Who’s coming with?

(everyone except for AG and MM raise their hands, briskly get up and walk out the door)

MM: Well, I ate in advance.

AG: Yeah, me too. I knew we’d be doing important things.

MM: Like deciding what next season’s going to be like?

AG: Exactly. So maybe we can incorporate… mummies into next season. But they’re from China.

MM: Kind of like The Mummy 3 screenplay we just wrote?

AG: Oh, yeah, you were there, weren’t you? Okay, new idea, Clark joins forces with a hero from the opposite side of the world to save Lana from…

MM: Why does this sound like Shanghai Noon?

AG: Um, so there’s this magic car…

MM: You are seriously not bringing up Herbie: Fully Loaded, are you?

AG: But Lindsay Lohan…

MM: Have you seen what’s she’s been up to lately?

AG: You think she thinks she’s too classy for this show?

MM: She’s a star. They can be so uppity.

NSVC: Smallvillian Idol

AG: Want to hear about our next brilliant plan?

AM: They can’t get any worse.

MM: American Idol.

AM: I stand corrected.

TW: You do realize we can’t sing?

AA: Erica did for that one show.

ED: Alli sung in public. She wasn’t bad.

AM: (rolling her eyes) Thanks a lot! You do realize that it’s not actually a scripted television show?

AG: But it’s popular!

AM: So are taped executions and pornography, but you don’t see us doing those.

MM: Actually…

KK: No.

AM: No.

TW: No.

ED: Not without a lot more money.

MR: Only if I get to dance like an idiot.

ED: For the porn or for American Idol?

MR: I’m not picky.

AG: Well, look, if you’re not going to sing, the show’ll flop.

AM: If we do sing, the show will still flop.

MM: And do you have any suggestions, Miss Smarty-Pants?

AM: Let us judge.

AG: We were going to bring in celebrities…

ED: We’re celebrities. Kind of.

KK: Perhaps our characters should judge.

AG: That’s genius!

MM: Kristin, what would we do without you?

KK: Okay, they’d applaud me if I suggested filming cockroach races. Is it really a good idea?

AM: I like it.

MR: If Lex doesn’t like them, he can have them whacked.

ED: Except since his security teams sucks, there’ll be a comical chase.

MR: I’d hate it if I didn’t love it so much.

KK: Maybe there can be a scandal where one of the contestants is accused of having an affair with Lois.

ED: I’d love it if I didn’t love it so much.

AA: Clark can talk with a Kryptonian accent.

TW: What’s a Kryptonian accent sound like?

AA: I don’t know. Make something up.

KK: Are we going to have a host?

AG: Lana’s the host.

MM: And Jimmy.

AG: Jimmy?

MM: Trust me. It’ll be great.

MR: We could have DC Comics characters sing for us.

AM: Bart could sing “Life in the Fast Lane.”

ED: Green Arrow could sing “It’s not easy being green.”

AA: Then Green Lantern can follow him.

ED: Awkward…

AA: Remember Non from Superman II?

TW: He didn’t talk.

AA: Exactly.

MR: That's funny. Ventriloquist, from the Batman cartoon, could come and… ventriloquize.

AM: I don’t know if you know that girl from the Legion of Superheroes cartoon, but the girl who can make three of herself? Her own backup singers.

KK: Black Canary gets first even triple-0.

MR: Two-Face does a duet.

AG: And Lana always wins.

MR: That’ll get annoying real fast.

NSVC: Lana & Clark: The New Adventures of... Lana

AG: We’ve struck a great idea.

MM: A sci-fi show.

TW: We were already a sci-fi show. Superman, remember?

AG: You know, I think I remember something about that when we were first developing the show.

MM: Wow, trip down memory lane there.

(they share a nostalgic sigh)

AG: Anyway, apparently there was this show called “Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.”

MM: It even has a couple of the names of our main characters right there in the title.

ED: (to AM) Is he being serious?

AM: I’m afraid to ask.

AG: One big problem is that the characters are kind of contradictory to ours. Their Clark, well, he’s too… playful.

TW: I don’t mind playful. Clark is kind of a stick in the mud. Spends too much time brooding in his loft.

MM: Blasphemy!

TW: (comprising) Can we at least split the difference?

AG: (gravely) We were warned they might get like this. Make outlandish demands.

MM: (somberly) We chose our profession, Miles. We’ll just have to deal with it.

AG: (nodding) Done.

ED: Any other changes?

MM: We’re kind of uncomfortable with their Lois.

AG: Honestly, she’s a lot like the character the big wigs are trying to get us to move her towards. It doesn’t fit, though.

MM: She’s too much like Chloe.

AM: Please; you’re giving the UCC fodder.

AG: Uck?

AM: The Unholy Chlois Cult. Don’t you two spend any time online?

MM: Too many weirdos.

AG: They’re all on message boards. Telling us how to do our job. As if they were genius TV and movie producers with years of experience.

AM: You know, some of their fanfiction doesn’t suck.

MM: Blasphemy!

AG: I think you’re getting a little overeager there, Miles.

MM: Sorry. It’s fun.

AG: I know.

MM: I was in the mood. She mentioned Chlois.

AG: We don’t like them.

MM: They hate Lana.

KK: Actually, that’s a pretty bold generalization. There are a lot of fans out there who are dissatisfied with the character development on the show, and given the portrayal of Lana, they feel the need to elect her as the scapegoat for the poor progression of their favorite characters. However, this perception of hating Lana is really independent of the Chlois subpopulation. In reality, this is fairly common outside the group that idolizes Lana. In reality, the majority of Chloisers happen to be supporters of the Clark-Chloe relationship for obvious reasons, so therefore ought to be bigger fans of Chloe. Since you two, in the beginning of the show, set Lana and Chloe as foils of one another, it shouldn’t be surprising that the reaction of this particular group is antagonistic of Lana. Actually, I bet it’s actually a small minority that is truly antagonistic. Others are more likely indifferent to mildly annoyed. When you boil it down, since it’s a group focused on the role of Chloe, their feelings for Lana shouldn’t really even be taken into consideration.

AM: You know, I’m kind of embarrassed that I’m not the one coming up with that speech.

TW: Did we actually decide anything?

AG: Our Lois will not be like their Lois. For one, she dresses terribly.

AM: She dresses professionally. It’s kinda how you used to dress me in Season 5.

MM: Hey, she’s right. You can dress like their Lois.

AM: That was an easy victory.

AG: We were, however, very impressed by the fashion style of this other character.

ED: Oh, dear lord, he’s talking about Cat Grant.

AG: Yes!

ED: She dressed hideously. It was completely ridiculous that she was even let into the building.

MM: I’d let her into my building.

MR: I think she was referring to the office building, not your flat.

MM: My flat?

MR: What? (makes silly gang signs) I’m down your lingo.

ED: What is this? (mimics his signing)

MR: Jamie Kennedy taught it to me. You sayin’ you dint catch my moo-vay, honey? I totally caught Final Destination 2. Openin’ night!

ED: Thanks, but I was in The Butterfly Effect 2.

MR: You did a movie with Ashton Kutcher?

ED: No. You didn’t see the movie at all!

TW: What was the name of your male costar?

ED: (deer-in-a-headlights look for a moment) Eric Lively! I didn’t forget. It was Eric Lively. Eric Lively. Eric Lively, of course.

MR: What? No one seems to have seen Kickin’ It Old Skool.

AA: I did. Did they let you keep the glasses?

MR: No. They sent them to a Hard Rock Café.

ED: Really?

MR: No, eBay. They’re probably in the hands of some Lex fan. Lord know what body part their rubbing them against.

KK: You must be so proud.

MR: (grinning) Kinda.

KK: (scoots away) Why do I always sit by you?

TW: I sent you all free tickets. Did anyone see The Fog?

MR: I have the original on video.

AM: Hey, I saw it. I even bought the DVD.

ED: I watched the dirty part online.

AM: (guilty) Yeah, that’s actually the reason I bought the DVD.

MR: Oh, that reminds me. Erica, I totally saw House of the Dead. It’s like one of my favorite movies.

ED: You fast-forward to the river scene?

MR: Yes, but I make up for it by watching that scene in slow motion. Sometimes, I feel so guilty about not seeing you in The Mothman Prophecies 2, that I even pause.

ED: That’s fine, but just so you know…

MR: (leering) Oh, trust me, it’s obvious.

ED: (proud) Good.

AM: Dare I ask about The Ant Bully?

(long pause)

MR: I saw it. What was it like to work with Freddy Highmore?

AM: You’re thinking of The Invisibles. Nice try. Why’d you watch that?

MR: The covers looked alike.

KK: Did anyone see my movie?

MR: Yes.

AM: You were wonderful.

TW: So cute.

AM: Adorable.

ED: I almost cried.

MM: I keep it on top of my television.

AG: I sleep with it like a teddy bear.

MM: The red dress was picture-perfect.

KK: (epiphany) Oh my god! You’re talking about Snow White. I meant EuroTrip.

MR: (smirking) What part did you have in EuroTrip? (suddenly appalled) Holy crap! You were Scotty’s girlfriend!

ED: (looking ill) You’re right! (points at Kristin with a shivering hand)

AM: All of a sudden, it’s like there’s this part of you that I don’t know.

TW: Was that the one with Buffy’s little sister?

MR: That was Buffy’s sister? Harriet the Spy? I ogled Harriet the Spy?

AA: Guys, lay off. Shawn dated her for a while.

AM: Aw, that's cute. I think.

KK: Is this a joke?

MR: (plainly) Yeah. Kristin, we serenaded you at your last birthday with “Scotty Doesn’t Know.” Remember?

KK: (realization) I hate you all!

AM: So, where were we before we got off track?

AG: (checking his notes) We were saying “Lana” a whole bunch of times.

(AM flips the page)

AG: Oh, we were deciding that Lois should dress like Cat Grant.

ED: Can I just wear short shorts and tight sweaters and the occasional low-cut tops?

MM: I think we can live with that. If by “occasional” you mean “frequent.”

TW: So, does Clark get to wear business clothes?

MM: (looks to AG) What the hell are we going to do with the two dozen flannel shirts now?

AG: We’ll keep half for barn scenes. The rest we’ll sell to consignment shops.

TW: And the jacket?

AM: Wood chipper.

(silence)

AM: Just a suggestion.

(silence)

AM: Or, you know, sell it at an auction and give the proceeds to charity.

(silence)

AM: Or a wood chipper.

TW: So, wait if we’ve got Lois being Cat and Chloe being Lois, which one’s Clark gonna like?

AG: Lana.

TW: Why do I even ask?

KK: And exactly where does Lana come into play on this show? You know, besides being the girl that Clark likes.

AG: What do you mean?

MM: We could build a ten-year series on that theme alone.

KK: Give the Lana character a job. Some purpose in life, beside having Clark fawn over her.

MR: Do I get to have hair again?

AG: Why?

MR: ‘Cause Lex on that show had hair.

MM: I don’t see why not.

MR: (getting excited) And a smart British assistant? And cobras to face off against?

ED: You do realize if we have you staring down cobras, the fan’s are going to delve into the homoerotic subtext of that scene.

MR: I’m kind of okay with that.

KK: Michael, put your hands on the table, or I will chop them off!

MM: Michael, we agree to all those stipulations.

TW: Hey, since Annette and John aren’t here, are they going to have roles?

AG: Yes, I spoke with them on the phone earlier. They are very excited to have absolutely nothing change about their roles.

MR: Really?

AG: Well, their characters have to have an affair.

ED: Are they still stuck on that?

AG: Like a python on a particularly chubby and slow bunny-rabbit.

KK: For the record, I will quit if you ever use that analogy again.

AG: It’s our new Rule #1: Don’t use the Python and Bunny Analogy.

AM: What about Jimmy?

MM: Oh, it was kind of weird. He kinda wasn’t much different really.

(Dawn Ostroff storms in)

DO: Al! Miles! The latest memo I got says you think you’re going to combine your show with Lois and Clark.

AG: Bad idea?

DO: Brilliant idea. Five years ago! Look, we just got Dean Cain to agree to play a recurring villain. If you two mangle this combo show in the slightest, we’ve lost him! I don’t know what back-ass-ward film school you twits attended, but it’s time to go back to the drawing board.

MM: So…

TW: Meeting adjourned until tomorrow?

AG: We’ll bring donuts.

~

A/N: So, it turns out all I needed was some time to stew while I thought up endings for these meta-episodes.

^_^ - It would have worked. The Power Suits of Chloevage solve everything.

Started 7/4/2007. Finished 11/11/2007.

NSVC: Cheap Gin

A/N: This was is a particularly short and less-serious (even for the series) chapter in the New Smallville Chronicles.

(AG walks in without a lot of coordination)

AG: (announces) Teletubbies.

ED: (looks at her watch) It’s not April 1.

AG: Here me out.

AM: Are you drunk?

TW: Where Miles?

AG: Designated Driver. So, here’s how it’s going to go down. We can have Clark be blue. (gesturing at the top of his head) And his little head thingie can be the Superman logo.

ED: Your breath reeks of cheap gin.

MR: (with complete sincerity) Can Lex’s head have a male sign?

AG: Genius!

AM: Lana can be an acorn.

KK: I hate you, but it’s still funny. Yours can be a pair of boobs.

MR: You’ll have to fight Erica for them.

AA: Jimmy can be a camera.

ED: That’s not creative. Maybe a puppy dog.

MR: Or a hieroglyph.

AA: What will we call ourselves?

ED: (to TW) Dummy.

AM: (to MR) Woobey.

KK: (to AM) Thinky cleavy.

AA: (about himself) Flashy?

TW: (to KK) Lie-Lies.

MR: (to ED) Tipsy Bra-Bra Winky Winky Ho. For the win.

AG: (writing this all down on a notepad up-side-down with a capped pen) Brilliance, all of you. Keeping the creative wines flowing.

AA: Doesn’t he mean…?

KK: It’s not worth it, Aaron.

MR: What should we show on our little belly TVs?

ED: Knowing our producers, they’ll probably be shameless Ford Fusion, Toyota Yaris, and Sprint ads.

AG: (swaying) Does anyone have any more cheap gin?

ED: Yeah, c’mon, I keep a bottle in my car.

(ED leaves supporting AG)

MR: (in a high-pitched voice) Group hug! (normal voice) C’mon, anybody?

KK: Mike, you don’t have kids. How do you know all this?

MR: No comment.

TW: See ya guys.

MR: (high-pitched) Bye-bye!

(TW leaves)

AM: (looking at her watch) Kristin, you got time for lunch?

KK: Absolutely. Have fun, Mike.

AM: Later.

MR: Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

(AM and KK leave together)

AA: No offence, but I’m leaving, too.

MR: Bye-bye!

AA: That gets annoying fast.

MR: Group hug!

(AA leaves)

(MR is alone)

MR: Uh-oh! (pause) Hey, Al, Durance. You left, yet? How much ya got?

(MR leaves)

NSVC: Jimmigan's Island

A/N: Once you pop, you just can’t stop.

(Miles Millar and Alfred Gould dramatically enter the room, where the cast is waiting)

MM: Gilligan’s Island.

AM: Is it just me, or are these ideas getting worse?

TW: Look, we got to be here. Let’s just go through the motions. Who do we want for Gilligan? I’ll propose Clark. He is supposed to be the main character.

AM: Behind Lana.

AG: Yes, but we don’t speak such truths aloud. DC comics would have our hides.

TW: How could Skipper bully a superpowered alien around?

ED: Lana doesn’t seem to have any problem with it.

TW: Can we not go there?

MM: Actually, great idea. We can make Clark the Skipper. Every time he smacks Gilligan around, he goes flying. Who’d look funny being smacked senseless?

MR: Not Lex.

ED: Actually…

JG: Not Lionel.

AoT: Come to think of it…

AA: (giggling to himself) Superman pops Jimmy over the head, and he gets nailed into the ground with his hat brim down to his eyes. Or launched into a palm tree; he slides down afterward, cartoon-style, and his hat lands on his head again. (realizes everyone’s looking at him) I just volunteered myself, didn’t I? I’m going home bruised for the next eight months. (AM rubs his arm sympathetically)

KK: How in the world are we going to pick a professor?

ED: It ain’t gonna be Clark. “I’m doing a term paper on deserted islands. That’s why I didn’t build a boat.”

TW: Well, it’s not going to be Lex. “I’ll hire some decent security. That way I won’t get stuck on a deserted island.” ‘Cause, you know, that worked so well between Seasons 2 and 3.

MR: Or Jimmy. “It was the Egyptians. They’re working together with the aliens to strand us on a deserted island with a dozen sets of clothes each and a working radio!”

JG: It could be the Magnificent Bastard.

MM: Hey! We can have him spouting literary references all day! The fans’ll love it!

MR: So, that leaves the role of Lex to… Mr. Howell, the millionaire. That worked out strangely well. Except Lex got demoted.

AG: Eh, I suppose we could update it to billionaire. I just hope it doesn’t confuse the fans.

AM: I don’t think our fans are that stupid.

KK: They watched Smallville.

AM: (venomously) I don’t believe I asked for your input.

(KK scoots away)

ED: Moving on, Ginger?

AM: The vacuous, self-absorbed beauty.

KK: (sighs) Say no more.

MM: You know, they’re really good at guessing what roles we want to give them.

AM: So, are we using producer logic and making Chloe Mary Ann, the so-called “Plain Jane.”

AG: (aside to MM as he observes the cast) It’s uncanny!

ED: So, we’re making me Mrs. Howell? So we’re doing Lexis?

MM: Lexis? You know, we could add a Lexis to our show. I bet we could get sponsorship.

AM: Okay, before I pull us off this tangent, why would we have a Lexis on a show about a deserted island?

AG: It could be Lex’s. (giggles at his own unintentional pun) It could belong to Lex.

MR: A Lexis wouldn’t fit on a small tour boat.

AG: We could change it to a big cruise ship!

MM: And get sponsorship!

(AM is going breathing exercises)

KK: Why are there only seven people on a big cruise ship?

AG: It’s Lex.

MR: That’s actually a very valid point.

TW: Wouldn’t the Lexis be lost when the cruise ship sank?

MM: Who says the ship has to sink?

TW: Cruise ships are made out of metal. Landing on the island wouldn’t wreck it. They could still drive it back.

AG: Television producing shouldn’t require this much thought!

(AM starts to weep)

MM: It’s so big, they can’t push it back into the water!

KK: What do you know? They made sense again!

JG: It’s actually very deep. Lex’s extravagance is his own undoing. The size of the cruise ship is a metaphor for self-imposed burden of lavish spending. It’s a subtle critique of the excess of the wealthy.

MM: Yeah, you lost me, but I’m pretty sure you may have made sense. You’ll need to talk like that on the show.

(JG lifts a critical eyebrow)

AM: Anyway, I think what Erica was referring to by “Lexis” was a Lex-Lois romance.

MM: (matter-of-factly) Lex is in love with Lana.

ED: He’s married to Lois.

AG: That why he did the cruise. He wanted Lana.

MM: He saw her in a movie.

MR: So multibillionaire Lex saw Lana in a movie and fell in love with her, so he concocted this elaborate cruise just so he could make her fall in love with him.

AG: Exactly!

TW: Why’d he bring his wife?

AG: He was going to divorce her.

AM: Why would he take her on a cruise to divorce her?

MM: To let her off easy.

MR: (to ED) “Sorry, Honey, it’s just not working out. There’s someone else. She’s on this ship. So, anyway, we’ll be spending the next three hours on this ship together, giving you ample time to throw me and my beloved-who-doesn’t-know-she’s-my-beloved-yet into the Pacific. I’d like to divorce you immediately; unfortunately, I forgot to bring my lawyer, but for some odd reason I brought my schoolteacher father and a random Kansas girl on this giant cruise ship crewed by only two imbeciles.” (to AG and MM) Yeah, guys, this makes sense.

MM: Maybe he divorces her first.

ED: Why would she go on a cruise with her just-divorced ex-husband, knowing full well that the purpose of the cruise was for her bastard of an ex-hubby to seduce a movie star?

AG: Give us some credit. She doesn’t know that’s what the cruise is for.

ED: Why is she on the #$@% ship?

AG: It’s a big ship. She’ll never see her husband. Maybe she brought a new beau.

TW: And exactly who would that be? It can’t be Skipper Clark because of comics restrictions.

AA: It could be Jimmigan.

JG: Or her father-in-law.

AM: This is quite a pickle.

AG: Eh, I guess we’ll have to go with Jimmy.

AM: A Gilligan-Mrs. Howell ship. I never thought I’d see the day.

MM: Well, you try to make this show work, Miss Negativity.

AG: I’ll have you know, in the last four minutes, we’ve created two love triangles. Beat that.

AM: What if I could come up with a decent plot or engaging dialogue?

AG: (to MM) It’s funny because she thinks that trumps two love triangles.

MR: So, Lex uses his mad charm skills to enamor Lana the movie star while Lois chats up the first mate. Then they get stranded on a deserted island. The term “shipwreck” comes to mind and I’m not referring to the plot.

AM: One thing, I know I’m Mary Ann; I’ve resigned myself to that fate, but I don’t want to be a farm girl.

MM: Then how are we going to justify you wearing the midriff top?

AM: Look… what a second. I’m wearing the midriff top? (suspiciously) Since when did you guys think I’m sexy?

(AG and MM exchange glances)

AG: Don’t think we see you as ugly, ‘cause you’re not.

MM: But the guys kindly reminded us that you have, and I quote, a “killer body.”

AM: Thanks, guys!

MR: You can thank John. It was his idea. The rest of us just lined up to sign the petition.

AA: I wanted to be first. But Tom’s got big arms and Mike fights dirty.

AM: (nearly in tears) Oh, guys, you don’t know what this means to me!

ED: It means fifty crunches a day, minimum.

(AM’s smiles drops)

AM: Need a workout buddy?

ED: Um, you see, my husband David’s my workout buddy, and the way we work out is—

AM: Please stop.

AG: Please go on.

AM: Wait, if I’m a reporter—

MM: Junior reporter.

AM: Fine. (rolls eyes) Why am I wearing a farm shirt?

ED: Maybe you’re dating a farmer. It’s his shirt. It’s hot.

AG: Off-screen boyfriend bad. Leaves no room for stunt casting or random Vancouver male model.

AA: Clark’s from a farm. He wore flannel all the time.

(AM and TW exchange looks)

TW: That would make a large sector of the audience happy.

AG: Okay, but it’s gotta be a secret.

MM: Secrets are good.

AG: And lies. Lies are good, too.

MR: So, anyway, Clark and Chloe have a secret relationship. How’s this Lex and Lana thing gonna play out?

KK: Are they going to get married again?

MM: Yeah. Clark’s a ship captain. He’ll marry them.

AG: (cryptically) But he won’t.

TW: …why not?

AG: Because he’s in love with Lana. Obviously.

MM: Obviously.

KK: (rolling her eyes) Obviously.

AM: We just established he was with Chloe.

MM: Secretly.

AG: Secrets are good.

MM: And lies. Lies are good, too.

AG: He can date them both.

MM: Secretly.

AG: Secrets are good.

MM: And lies. Lies are good, too.

TW: And I’m guessing he’ll end up lying to them both.

MM: Lies are good.

AG: And secrets. Secrets are good, too.

TW: That’s not Clark. Or Skipper.

AG: Okay, he only dates one at a time.

MM: Secretly.

AG: Secrets are---

AM: ENOUGH!

MM: …are good, too.

JG: I’ve noticed Lionel’s not getting any action.

AoT: I’ve noticed that Martha doesn’t appear at all.

AG: (takes two and a half seconds to think) She could be a recurring villainess.

(AoT takes a long moment critically gazing at the producer; slowly a sinister smile appears)

AoT: Will I get to wear villainess clothes? Something low-cut like you’d put on Allison or, on a modest day, Erica?

(MM and AG have a short conference)

MM: It can be arranged.

JG: And a scandalous liaison with Lionel?

AG: If it’s done right.

AoT: It’s got to be a slow, simmering thing.

JG: (saliciously) I like the way you think, Annette.

AoT: (flirting) Thank you, John. It’s going to be a pleasure.

ED: Ew. It was even close to this awkward on the SG-1 set.

(long silence)

ED: Where I met my husband. Do you guys ever listen when I talk?

MR: Not when you wear stuff like that. (points to her shirt)

(ED, peeved, pulls up on her neckline)

(AoT and JG are still casting glances at each others)

AM: Okay, this is wrong. Annette, you’re married.

AoT: (flippantly) My husband is a rock star. I can guess what goes on backstage.

AM: Annette, your husband is an improvisational actor. He plays the parody of a rock star.

KK: Wait, Spinal Tap is fake?

ED: And, Annette, you told me what happens backstage. Me and David never get together with all of his buddies… and tell jokes in a circle.

(AA is gesturing to get MR’s attention; he mouths a lot and makes gestures, sometimes pointing to JG)

MR: (mouths) What?

(AA makes broader gestures)

(MR shakes his head with confusion)

AA: (loudly) ISN’T JOHN GAY?

MR: Yeah, I understood you the first time.

(AA sinks back in his chair)

JG: (austerely) Mr. Ashmore, I am very open with my sexuality. (AA nods carefully) My partner and I quite enjoyed your portrayal of Marc Hall in Prom Queen.

AA: (coolly) Thank you. It was my breakout role.

KK: I’m amazed you got the rights to this show.

AG: We talked with CBS’s lawyers. They said we could have it over what’s-his-name’s dead body. You know the creator. That’s a free pass if I ever heard one.

ED: I don’t think he’s dead. I just saw this retrospective they did on The Brady Bunch. He was one of the talking heads. Sherman Schwartz or something?

MM: What? (dials his phone) Dana, would you check and see if the Gilligan’s Island guy is dead? Uh-huh.

TW: Does anyone else feel a disturbance in the force?

MR: Oh, sorry, I had one of those giant burritos for lunch.

KK: (sniffing) Well, that answers my question.

MM: (closing his phone) Says he died two years ago. And his name is Bob Denver. Way to pay attention to what you watch on TV.

AM: Anyone else get the irony of that statement? (KK’s and TW’s hands pop up immediately, quickly followed by MR’s)

ED: (not paying attention, raises her hand) I don’t know what I’m voting for, but whatever. And Miles, Bob Denver is the guy who played Gilligan. I was talking about the creator.

(MM opens his phone again)

AG: Look, you have nothing to worry about. The guy had to be about 85. He’s good as worm food.

MM: Yeah, he’s alive and kicking at 90. The deal’s off.

AG: (in stride) So, how ‘bout we say we plan Season 7 bright and early Monday morning? Great. (walks out of the room with MM)

(long pause)

AA: You think I could go out and buy one of those sailor hats? ‘Cause that’s the part I’m going to miss.

AM: Yeah, I’m gonna get me a farmer shirt, too.

TW: Steal one from the costume department. They’ve got so many, they’d never notice.

MR: Do you really think Lexus owners actually watch our show? You think they’d spend more time on, I don’t know, Masterpiece Theater and My Super-Sweet 16.

ED: Yeah, I’m sure those two show cater to the very same audience.

KK: Would it be too optimistic to think that Al and Miles asking me to portray an actress is a compliment to my dramatic skills?

TW: Yes. But the catch in the statement is “Al and Miles,” not your acting ability.

(JG and AoT are still sending each other significant glances)

AM: We’re going to leave you two alone.

AoT: We’re just rehearsing.

ED: I feel weird.

KK: I feel like a chocolate shake.

MR: They’re on me if I don’t have to look at that anymore.

(the younger end of the cast races out)

~

A/N: Okay, most of this was written months ago and I finally got around to putting an ending on it. In the future, I won’t even do that. It’s just I haven’t done squat in awhile, and I wanted to redeem myself by releasing the stuff that didn’t get through the filter the first time.

^_^ - But… but… there was… there was going to be a midriff-revealing Chloe… IS THERE NO GOD?! So, if I kill Sherwood Schwartz, will they reconsider? Will they? My life has no meaning…

Started 7/4/2007. Finished 11/11/2007.