Clear Devotion, Part 2

That damn slut of a cousin of mine is completely hogging all Clark’s time. And he’s in a freakin’ bathing suit, too! Oh, well, I’ll have time for him later. Let’s just get a few things straight, won’t we, cuz?

“I want you to understand something, Lois, Clark’s mine,” Chloe greeted her cousin.

Lois turned, blindsided, “Geez, Chlo, what are you doing here? And in that?” Lois remarked of Chloe low-cut, forming-fitting yellow tank and red hot pants.

“I’m keeping my boy-stealing cousin from taking the love of my life.”

“Chloe, for the last time, zero interest in Clark,” she remarked, pointing at herself, “And I thought I told you, you’re not yourself. You drank some of that Gatorade.”

“Lois,” Chloe cut her off, “I know. And that stuff didn’t make me fall in love with Clark. I was already in love with Clark.”

Lois began to gently explain, “You’re not in love with Clark. He’s this boy that you’ve had a crush on…”

But as Chloe had no time for this, Lois was left talking to herself. She spun around to give Chloe a piece of her mind, only to be approached by a rather broad-shouldered linebacker holding a plastic cup of what appeared to be green beer. “So, I couldn’t help but notice that you were here with Clark Kent.”

“Oh, please, Clark’s parents are just giving me a place to stay. I have no time for that farmboy.”

With a wide grin, the football player responded lavishly, “I like the sound of that.”

“Look, buddy,” Lois snapped, poking the flirter in the chest, “I’m here on a very important mission.” She poked him again. “Not bad…” she remarked, appreciation in her voice. After a moment of debate, she looked over her admirer’s shoulder, commenting to herself, “Oh, well, she’s a lovesick puppy. Can’t get herself into too much trouble, can she?” She turned to the linebacker, and asked, “So, what position do you play? In football?”

Meanwhile, Chloe had tracked down Clark, who was currently eyeing Mandy Walsh. “What’s she got that I don’t?” Chloe asked quite pointedly.

Clark spun. “Chloe, what are you doing here?”

“It’s a party for football players and cheerleaders. I’m a cheerleader.” Luckily, Mandy didn’t seem to have overheard.

“Don’t remind me,” Clark remarked sarcastically.

“Here,” Chloe said as she handed Clark a plastic cup, who eyed it warily, “don’t worry, it’s just punch. Non-alcoholic. And it’s not that nasty Gatorade stuff that made you sick today.”

Clark was momentarily touched that Chloe had noticed, before realizing it was probably only her devotion that made her notice. He sniffed it. It smelled really good. He usually preferred orange to cherry, but this stuff smelled really good, so he took a tip before he started lecturing Chloe. “Chloe, Mandy is drugging the football players to make them devoted slaves. I’m just trying to…”

All at once, Clark began to doubt that the punch was non-alcoholic, given the buzz he’d gotten from it. Though, that would be impossible since he was immune to alcohol. Unless there was… it can’t be!

Clark set the drink down, but the damage was done. His conscience was clouding. It wasn’t the same rush as when he wore the ring, but…

God, this feels good!

All of a sudden, he realized that the whole love-slave football player devotion was not such an urgent matter. Chloe was standing here, obviously still on the effects of the Gatorade. Honestly, Chloe was quite a pretty girl. And probably a lot more sexually adventurous than that prude Lana. Well, Lana did have that quality, but honestly, is she really worth it?

Okay, enough thinking, Clark thought as he eyed Chloe. “So, we’re at a party. Got any ideas?”

“Oh, do I, farmboy… do I.”

Part 3

Imperative: Part 2

If Clark’s crystalline retreat was a fortress, what Chloe was now standing in was a citadel. The room alone she was standing in was at least as long, wide, and tall as a football field. On the far side of the room, atop a large pyramid were two highly ornate thrones. On the right side, partway down the pyramid were two more thrones.

“What is this place?” Chloe said breathily, hearing her voice echo.

“Zod converted the Fortress into a palace. He was going to rule from here.”

“Clark, we’re in the middle of the Arctic. Was he planning on ruling over a bunch of polar bears and timber wolves?”

“Something tells me he wasn’t planning to keep much Earth life around at all. He wanted to recreate Krypton.”

Chloe didn’t respond to that. “By the way, why isn’t it cold?”

“It turns out that the crystals can radiate heat if you ask them to.”

“Now you figure that out. What’s with the thrones? There’re two sets of them.”

“The upper set was for Zod and his queen. I think he intended it for Lana. The other set’s for me. He gave me my choice of a queen.”

“Too bad he claimed Lana.”

“I chose you.” He turned his head to her.

“Of all the people on the planet, you picked me over Scarlett Johannsen? Halle Barry? Kristen Bell?”

After briefly scoffing at the last suggestion, Clark took Chloe’s hands in his own, and, facing her, confessed, “Chloe, I didn’t know if I would have been able to defeat Zod so quickly. If there was one person I would need by my side for that fight, it’d be you.” He smiled down at her, and she couldn’t help but smile back. “Plus,” he added, “that was one hell of kiss you gave me before I left.”

Chloe gulped, “It was the end of the world, Clark. It’s not like I expected us to hook up… or you know, rule the world together.” She nervously stepped back and leaned her hand against one of the many crystal panels lining the wall. After a second, she jerked it away. “Ow. I got shocked.”

A deep voice boomed through the halls, “Kal-El. I have deemed her worthy. She is parthil.”

“Parthil?” Chloe asked.

Clark blushed. “Roughly translated: virginal.”

“Well, um, that’s not exactly… um…”

Jor-El responded, “A state of parthil indicates that one has yet to perform a successful life-bonded ritual. The sensors show that you once attempted to perform the ritual, but your mate was incapable of bringing you to completion.”

“It was his first time!” Chloe defended.

“There was also a polymer barrier that prevented genital contact.”

“It’s called safe sex! And it didn’t count because I didn’t… orgasm?”

“Yeah,” Clark replied, face blazing red, “you see, there’s this… technique… that Kryptonians have. If it’s done right…” He trailed off.

Her mouth agape, Chloe commented coyly, “So, are you sure Krypton was a planet of scientists, and not, you know, highly-successful prostitutes?” She looked Clark up and down for good measure.

Jor-El answered, “The life-bonding ceremony is a unique event that occurs between two Kryptonians with a very powerful emotional connection. It would be highly impossible for the act to be commercialized for the pleasure of lower beings.”

“Did I ever tell you your bio-dad is a real barrel of fun?” Chloe’s brow lowered and her head tilted pensively, “Wait a second. Clark, did you… bring me here… to life-bond… since that’s what we’re calling it these days.”

Clark hesitated, “Yes, but it’s not what you think.”

“Look, Clark, I know I laid one on you back there. And not that I’m not touched that you’d choose me for your queen if you were made second banana to a megalomaniacal extraterrestrial dictator and Lana was taken, but… you’ve got some nerve—”

“Zod jump-started my biological imperative,” Clark jumped in.

“Come again?”

Jor-El answered for Clark, “Kryptonians who decide to life-bond are overcome with strong biological urges to mate. Emperor Dru-Zod, in what I can only assume he thought was a thoughtful gesture…” Normally, the AI was very neutral and objective, but Chloe could not mistake the sarcasm in Jor-El’s voice. “…used one of the crystals to artificially begin Kal-El’s life-bonding urges.”

“Usually,” Clark continued, “Kryptonians who are going to life-bond take a retreat to…” He blushed before he could finish. Chloe giggled in understanding. “Pretty soon, the biological imperative is going to overpower all my other functions. Either I might try to life-bond with the nearest female… or it’s possible that I might try to… forcibly life-bond with you.” He took a step back and Chloe for the first time noticed Clark’s brow furrowed by tension. She also began to notice that he had become restless and was squeezing his hands into fists.

Jor-El’s voice echoed again, “Friend of Kal-El, I do not understand why you hesitate. My sensors detect that you are highly sexually attracted to my son. Most being would consider it an honor to mate with a member of one of the high houses of Krypton.”

Chloe laughed, “Kind of cocky, isn’t he?”

Through gritted teeth, Clark responded, “Really don’t need the double entendres right now, Chlo.”

“Well, since it’s an honor.”

Looking up as if to glare at Jor-El, Clark responded, “It’s an honor for me, too… logistically.” Chloe smirked at his description. He explained, “If you were a Kryptonian woman, you would definitely be highly prized: devoted and successful her occupation. Our ideal woman is ‘tough but feminine, strong but compassionate, aggressive but tender.’”

“So let me get this straight, you’re going to go crazy if I don’t have sex with you, the guy I’ve had a thing for forever, using your Kryptonian guaranteed-orgasm technique? There’s a downside, right?”

“I figured you said something about it threatening our friendship.”

“Oh, everybody needs a roll in the hay.”

Clark was obviously struggling now, but he kept talking, “Chloe, I know it seemed to you like I was only gone a few hours, but for me, it seemed like ages. I don’t want you to think that I’m using you. I’m asking you because this is a big deal for me and I think you’re worthy of it.”

Chloe just replied stoically, “You just had to make this worth my while, didn’t you?” She deliberately strolled over to him, grabbed him by the back of the head and pulled him down. He was quick, lacing his arms under hers as their lips met.

Part 3 coming soon...

Clear Devotion

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4 coming soon...

Author's Commentary: Going back to my roots with some fanfiction. For reasons, you'll soon discover, this is not the type of story that can be filmed. Between watchdog groups, network decency standards, and actor contract clauses, it's just not possible. It's a little different since I'm colleagues with the people portraying my characters, but as one of them recently confided in me: "Dude, people out there have my character doing the naughtiest things. One more's not gonna offend me."

Anyway, this takes place during Season 4's "Devoted." It's a pretty straightforward alternate take. It will get itself a tad tawdry after a few parts, but I've been trying to develop myself as a writer, and Amy, one of my editors, has been on my case to polish my prose. Then again, she may have meant it as a double entendre (she's like that). So, this is the result. Enjoy or boo.

Clear Devotion: Part 1

Decked out in a cheerleader’s outfit, Chloe studied the object of her affection. Clark Kent, the second-string, soon to be starting, quarterback of the Smallville High Crows was positively limping onto the field. Her voice may have been filled with excited cheers, but inside her brain, the gears were turning.

Earlier that day, Lois had mentioned a theory she had about the Gatorade. It was a very intriguing theory, and had her focused not been shifted to much more important things, like the ailing of her true love, she’d pursue it. Except now it didn’t seem like such a bad idea. While the other football players had become more devoted to their girlfriends as a result of the Gatorade, Clark seemed to get sick by drinking it. Chloe knew never to second guess anything green in Smallville. No doubt the cheerleaders had put meteor rock in the drink. Extensive study of the rock indicated it wasn’t lethal. It did have an effect on exposure, usually involving the development of a superhuman ability. But the football players weren’t developing powers, unless true devotion to a significant other was a power. It was an amazing virtue, one that Chloe was proud to possess, but it was not a superhuman ability.

Last night, Clark had a most distasteful reaction to Chloe’s advances in the loft. While he seemed okay making out for a while, he definitely stopped short of second base. Phooey, though Chloe. He could use a refreshing beverage that inclined him towards more noble pursuit, like love. Or sex. Sex was a very noble pursuit; a pursuit that Chloe really wished she had been better at pursuing.

Well, the right thing to do is quite obvious now, isn’t it, Sullivan?

* * *

“I want you to make more Gatorade with this,” Chloe remarked, handing Mandy a small chuck of red meteor rock.

“Excuse me?” Mandy replied, eyeing Chloe up and down distastefully.

“Look, I know you’ve been spiking the football players’ Gatorade with meteor rock and phenylethylamine, effectively making your boyfriends love slaves.”

“You threatening to report me?” Mandy replied.

“Are you not listening to me? I want you to make more so that I can hook Clark.”

Mandy took the golf ball-sized crystal. “Any reason you want cherry instead of lime?”

“As if it’s any of your business, but I think Clark had an adverse reaction. That’s the stuff they made our class rings out us, and since he wore it, I know he’s not allergic.”

“So, what I’m hearing,” Mandy recapped, “if I make you some cherry delight to hook the quarterback, you won’t report me?”

“Glad we understand each other.”

“You know I’ll only be able to make about a pitcher’s worth with this much.”

“It’s all I need. One more thing.”

“You’re pushing it, Blondie.”

“It’s just a little thing. I’m coming to the party.”

Mandy looked her over again. “On one condition: you stop pretending you joined the cheerleading squad. I need that uniform back.”

Part 2

Imperative

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3 coming soon...

Author's Commentary: I think I stole this idea from EllyF. In fact, I steal a lot of ideas from EllyF, because she's a good source of good ideas. Anyway, sorry, Elly, I'll stop if you mind.

Anyway, this is my other naughty Chlark fic that I'm working on. I'm doing all this on the assumption that if I have enough irons on the fire that enough people will criticize me for never updating and I'll have the drive to update. Brilliant logic, huh?

Anyway, this takes place during "Zod", and like "Clear Devotion", is an alternate take, which is kind of like an alternate universe but everything doesn't change. You could say I stole that idea from Elly, too, from her "My Happy Ending" set, though really it's what we all do when we watch episodes that go wrong. "Labyrinth", for example.

Anyway, it's come to the point in the show where you read the actual story instead of listening to my rambling.

Imperative, Part 1

The Daily Planet had already dubbed it “Dark Thursday” on account that the loss of power had only lasted twelve hours. It was amazing how skittish people were, the moment the lights went out, Metropolis became a war zone. When they all came back on, everybody came back to work as if the only thing that had happened was… a half-day blackout.

Chloe stood at her desk. She had changed into the extra set of clothes she kept in the locker room, and was waiting for Jimmy to come back with news of the vending machine. She was wringing her hands, and it wasn’t because she was afraid that the machine would be all out of Doritos.

But when Clark Kent walked in, his hair a little disheveled, she forgot all about what’s-his-name and whatever the heck he went to check on. “Clark,” she said, her voice nearly caught in her throat. She stumbled around her desk and nearly ran to Clark. She would have if it weren’t for her damn ankle. “Oh my God. I thought you were dead.” She grabbed him around the neck and hugged him tightly, causing him to lean over to accommodate her height.

Hugging her back, he replied, “Hi. Um, so did I… for awhile there.”

She reluctantly unhooked herself, and her pained face close, and whispered, “What happened? Where did you go?”

Gravely, he answered, “A place I never want to go again.” He held onto her waist, keeping her near, even though she showed no intention of backing up. He tilted his head forward, and asked with concern, “Are you okay?”

Chloe smiled as big and as brightly and joyously as Clark had ever seen. She answered, “Yeah, everything’s great now that you’re here.” She hugged him again and held him for a long time, relishing in his safety. He, too, leaned into the embrace.

“We’re safe,” he commented.

Under her breath, she asked, “What did you do about Zod?”

“He promised me he’d protect the ones I loved if I joined him. So, I accepted.” He face remained neutral.

“Clark…” she said, incredulous, pulling away from him, “you… what? You betrayed us?” Somehow, she couldn’t get herself to believe it.

“It’s more like, I betrayed him. I took a trip to the Fortress before I went to see him. Turns out Jor-El keeps quite a few anti-possession knives lying around. I stabbed him in the stomach when he wasn’t looking. Zod’s gone and Lex is expected to recover.”

Chloe stood stunned and speechless.

“What?” he replied, smirking, “A good savior of the world needs to think on his feet.”

“You thought of all of this by yourself?”

“No, I had a little help.”

Chloe tilted her head, an indication that she was in curious-reporter mode, but Clark cut her off.

“I want to show you something.” He held out his hand, and she took it. He led her out of the room, neither of them seeing Jimmy Olsen standing ten feet away watching them leave with several vending machine-sized bags of chips in his hand, wondering who the hell “Zod” was.

Chapter 2

NSVC: Somebody Saved by the Bell

AG: Saved by the Bell.

AM: Uh, too late, we’re all out of college.

MM: Then the College Years.

ED: ‘Cause that spin-off worked so well.

TW: None of our characters are in college.

AM: (defensively) Chloe is.

ED: Really?

AM: (insistent) Yes.

AG: Really? College is stupid.

AM: No, Chloe is going to college, dammit. It’s just boring to film, so we always show her at the Planet.

MM: That sounds familiar.

AM: You said it. In an interview.

MM: Oh, we don’t actually write what we tell interviewers. Why do you think we have a writing staff?

AM: Up until now, I thought it was to write a television show, but this is revealing none the less.

AG: Anyway, everyone’s going back to college.

TW: I thought you said college was boring.

AG: It is. It’s all going to take place in the dorm rooms.

ED: Naughty.

AM: I hope it’s not really going to be about just that.

MM: Well, Ostroff did kind of hint that way.

AM: I doubt she meant we should indiscriminately jump into bed with one another.

MM: I think those were her exact words.

AG: Well, and various guest stars.

AM: Look, you can’t make a show completely about sex.

ED: Coupling.

TW: Sex and the City.

MR: Doogie Howser.

KK: I’m not even going to…

AM: Look, go ahead with your endless strings and permutation of relationships. It’s not like I could stop you anyway.

TW: True.

MR: True.

ED: Very true.

KK: I’m going to have to invest in some serious chap stick.

MR: And breath mints. (KK smacks him)

AM: But there can be other sets. The student union.

MM: But…

AM: Look, you can’t introduce new characters by having them wander into our dorm room.

AG: Well, there goes Episode 2, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 14, 15, 19, 20, 21 and the first two-thirds of Season 2.

AM: But they can meet in the student union. Like normal people. Sex can then move into the dorm room.

MR: Who says it has to move?

AG: I like the way you think, Michael.

AM: God damn you, Rosenbaum.

MM: She’s right, though.

AM: What about a library set?

MM: Boring.

AM: But…

ED: Choose your battles, Alli.

AM: Can I twist your arms into a fraternity or a sorority?

AG: Done and done.

AM: How about a classroom?

MM: Boring.

AM: How about the hallway outside a classroom?

MM: How’s that more exciting?

AM: (lamely) More opportunities to meet potential love interests. (she snaps a pencil in half)

AG: Hey, not half bad.

TW: I think we’ve come to the point of the show when we try to guess which character from Saved By the Bell you’re equating us with, even though I’m sure we’ve come to the point when it’s really unnecessary. I mean in this setting, the characters can kind of function on their own.

KK: (blurts out) Lana is Kelly.

AG: Good job. (with sincerity; to MM) We should have brought candy.

KK: I’m not 5!

MR: Well, I’ve narrowed down myself and Clark being Zack and Slater.

AA: Jimmy’s Screech. Let’s just throw that out there. And we can skip five minutes of jokes at my expense.

AM: I’ll save you, Aaron. Chloe’s obviously Jessie.

ED: Height issues aside.

AM: I’m short. You’re tall. How deep can this go?

ED: Way to take the wind from my sails, Alli.

AM: (dryly) The guilt is crushing, I assure you.

ED: Wait, does that leave me being the token black chick with a fashion obsession? What was her name?

AA: Dude, I don’t remember. Ow. Harsh.

TW: It’s quite telling that we forget the minority character.

MR: Seriously? Her name was Lisa Turtle. She was played by actress Lark Voorhies.

KK: Michael. Just… never mind.

AA: So, two fashion-obsessed teens on the same show?

AM: Our generation was apparently very shallow.

ED: I can’t say much for the current one. They hired me to be Lois Lane for more than my acting skills.

AM: I’m wondering how much how much your acting experience factored in.

ED: Excuse me, I had numerous television and film roles before I joined this show.

AM: So did I! And I was a child actor. I’ve been doing this since I was five. I didn’t have to wait until my boobs grew in to get my start.

TW: Should we get involved?

MR: Shh! They’re talking about boobs.

ED: You have an online name for your boobs.

AM: That’s better than online speculation about whether mine are real. There are two people on this show whose breasts are talked about.

AoT: That’s a good point. My breasts are never discussed.

MR: I’ll discuss them with you. I think they’re wonderful.

AoT: Is this conversation inevitably going to veer towards Cat People?

MR: It’s funny you should mention Cat People…

(TW chuckles to himself in his seat)

ED: Hold it. If I’m Lisa, doesn’t that mean Jimmy has a crush on me?

TW: Jimmy would have a crush on you.

AM: He would not. He’s dating Chloe. Why should he be interested in Lois?

ED: Why would Lois become interested in Clark knowing her cousin was in love with him?

AM: She wouldn’t. She’s interested in Clark first and… stop bringing up scenarios where the Chlois Theory fixes everything.

TW: Online, they call the Jimmy/Lois relationship J-Lo.

ED: Oh my gaw, that totally makes me want to have sex with Jimmy.

AA: Erica, please don’t personify your character. It makes me have thoughts I shouldn’t have with a married woman.

ED: Dammit, David Palffy, why do you ruin all my fantasies? And why is your last name Palffy? Have I really been Mrs. Palffy for two years?

AM: Erica, please, it’s weird enough when Michael forget he’s not Lex Luthor.

MR: What are you talking about? I am Lex Luthor. I am bald and sexy. I have a yacht and a private jet. Who wants to have sex with me? How ‘bout you, Martha Kent?

AoT: Oh, boy, don’t I wish. (tickles him under the chin)

TW: Annette, don’t encourage him. It’s skeevy.

AG: I think you have point there. Lex Luthor gets it on with cougar professor.

MR: Dude, can we bring in Jane Seymour? I totally should have been in Wedding Crashers.

KK: That would be problematic. Doesn’t anyone recall when I stabbed Genevieve Teague through the heart?

MR: More like the boob.

AoT: Even Seymour’s breasts get talked about. (to AG and MM) Can I be that cougar professor?

TW: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

MM: Sorry, Tom, but think that’s a fabulous idea.

TW: (to AM) Nothing good comes from these sessions.

AM: You’re preaching to the choir.

TW: I guess you’re the only sane one in here.

KK: Excuse me?

TW: Point taken. My apologies, Kristin. But you did sit beside Michael.

KK: Michael sits beside me.

MR: And I think you know why.

KK: (to AG and MM) Since I don’t even have to ask, we’re starting the season with Lexana so we can get it over with.

AG: Done.

MM: Your wish is our command.

AM: (to KK) I should just run things through you.

KK: You know I would, but think of your pride.

AM: (hugs her) There’s a reason you’re my best friend.

MR: Oh yeah.

AM: (pulls away) Smack him.

KK: (backhands him hard) Mike!

MR: Like it rough, baby?

MM: I like this. Can you incorporate this attitude into your performance?

MR: Absolutely. Wait, am I in college? Are I like 27?

ED: Michael, you’re 35.

MR: Woman, stop depressing me. I mean “me” as in Lex Luthor. With the yacht and the bald and the sexy.

TW: “The Sexy.” It’s one of your online nicknames.

MR: You just made my day. After Kristin did.

KK: I slapped you! Get a dominatrix!

TW: They also call me “The Sexy” too.

AA: But not me.

TW: You get the coveted title of “Adorkable.”

AA: That gets me through the day.

MR: So, going back to me being a student.

TW: Could be MBA.

KK: Maybe Lex is such a self-centered rich boy that he keeps getting kicked out of school.

AM: Wasn’t that, like, the original Lex? That would regress Lex six seasons.

AG: Actually I think Kristin has a very good idea.

KK: (to AM) Shoot! I’m only supposed to use my powers for good. I forgot.

MM: No need to explain it. The cougar plot is too good. Annette…

AoT: Oh, I’ll make sure I’m in top shape. No disappointments here.

TW: Standard seven-year contract. Great job, Welling.

AM: So, just to go through the motions. Clark and Lana. Lex and Lana. Clark and Chloe. Lex and Chloe, maybe.

MR: I’m in.

AM: Kristin, first assignment: Chloe will not be doing Lex after the cougar plotline. Or, it’s my reason for the breakup. Which cannot include the fact that Lex is more in love with Lana. And no STDs.

ED: Two years of Lois and they haven’t gone there.

KK: Stellar point. Al, Miles, sweeties, I don’t think it’s write that Chloe should have a relationship with Lex after his cougar plotline. And if you can’t do that, Chloe should break up with Lex because she finds out about his relationship with the professor.

MM: We’ll do both. Lex and Chloe will get together, but Lex will start seeing Martha secretly. It’ll blow up in his face. The sorrow will lead him to Lana.

AM: Kristin, you screwed it up. Chloe’s being cheated on.

KK: Wasn’t any better for me. Now I’m the rebound girl for both you and Martha.

AoT: What do I teach?

AM: I’m afraid that may not matter. I doubt these dodos will ever show you teaching.

AG: Teaching is boring.

AM: Even though that crucial seduction scene will have to occur within class? Say she’s a poli-sci professor. Wouldn’t her passionate speeches in class about the fundamentals of democracy or the constant struggle between fulfilling the campaign promises and pressure to contributors be the hook that attracts Lex.

AoT: Wow, Alli, you’ve given me direction.

MM: She could give that same speech in her office.

AM: Why in her office?

MM: Then they can have sex on the desk.

AM: Your logic astounds me. One, I didn’t mean for the speech to immediately lead to sexual relations. Rather I was suggesting that her sexually mature character be developed so that it lends credence to Lex’s cougar plot.

AG: I like Al’s way better. Sex on the desk is the way to go. Maybe Lex has come by to ask about class, I don’t know, however college works.

MM: Good idea.

AM: (infuriated) Kristin, new request: It’s Chloe’s entrancing charms that lures in both Clark and Lex. And other boyfriends-of-the-week.

AA: What about me?

AM: Oh, Jimmy doesn’t require any effort.

AA: Hey!

AM: (calms down) My apologies, Aaron. I tell you what: (to KK) Jimmy will hook up with both Chloe and Lois. And his scenes with Lois will often require her to be in her underwear.

KK: I’m sure that’s already in the business plan.

AM: And I won’t speak a word about how Jimmy’s cousin-jumping.

AA: That means a lot.

TW: It means a lot to us all.

ED: Do I get any say in this?

AM: Erica, you’re a tart. You strip down to your skivvies in front of the camera for sport.

TW: (wide-eyed) Can our intimate scene require underwear?

AM: You buy my gym membership and we can have a sheet-only scene.

TW: (eyes widen; he begins to chant) I have a wife, I have a wife, I have a wife…

AM: Oh, and she’s has to be here.

MR: Oh, I just had a naughty thought.

KK: That hardly warrants an announcement.

MR: (to AM) Can we have nakie scenes?

AM: No, Lex-and-Chloe will be on a strict fade-to-black agreement.

MR: (to KK) And us?

KK: No underwear. I’ll allow bare back but no side boob.

MR: (depressed) Uck, artistic. (to ED) And us?

ED: If my agent hadn’t insisted on that stupid no-nudity clause…

AM: Chloe’s a journalism major, right?

MM: I suppose. Why does that matter?

AM: (sarcastic) Yeah, why does it?

TW: Anyway, it’s been an hour. About time to get a phone call about why we can’t do this.

(MM’s cell phone rings)

MM: Hello? Oh, yeah, but… c’mon… like that… seriously… well… damn… what if we… so… got it. (hangs up) Yeah, since we’re in the 8:00 EST time slot, the so-call (with finger quotes) “family time” spot, we can’t do a show that so sex-based.

AM: Seriously? Because a lot of very sexual shows are aired in the early spot.

AG: Well, apparently Dawn’s on some kind of Family “watch list” and we’re catching the brunt of that.

MR: So, I’m thinking pool party.

KK: Michael, we’re in Canada.

MR: Durance has a hot tub.

ED: Durance does have a hot tub. Though we have a strict no-suit policy.

KK: I’m out.

AM: Me, too.

AA: I’m not comfortable in group settings like that.

TW: Jamie’d killed me.

MR: Guys, don’t leave me hanging…

KK: If that’s a double entendre, I swear…

MR: Who has the dirty mind now? C’mon, me, Erica, and Davey boy? No way I’m being part of a Devil’s threeway.

ED: You do realize we’re not actually…

MR: Durance, I thrive on the “not actually.”

AoT: I could be persuaded.

MR: Finally. Someone’s willing to help a bro out. Let’s head out.

(MR leaves with ED and AoT in tow)

KK: You don’t think they’re actually going to…?

AM: Better left unknown. (to TW) Not to freak you out, but you realize that my reluctance was purely about Michael, right?

TW: Um, okay…

AM: Don’t play coy with me, Tommy, I remember you groaning last year about Jamie making you put in a hot tub. I’m just saying… you and Jamie want to invite me and the boy over for some innocent naked fun… we’ll stay open-minded.

KK: Yeah, if it weren’t for my paralyzing fear of ending up on the front of some tabloid, you know I’d be in.

TW: This is all very… enticing… but it’s not gonna happen. For one, my house is back in LA.

AM: Oh, yeah. That’s where Peter is!

TW: Okay, I’ll talk it over with Jamie. Lord knows she’ll get excited at the proposition.

(they leave)

AG: Miles, we should work a hot tub into our next series.

MM: Al, we’ve been talking hot tubs for years. Remember “Thirst”?

AG: It was kind of a waste. Blood and all.

MM: Oh, well, back to the drawing board. You got the Blockbuster card?

AG: Always.