Director’s Commentary: So, we had an eleventh hour cancellation by the network. This makes me especially sad because we were defeated by the very group we were pandering to in the upcoming episode. We wanted to do an episode with Christian themes in it, but because of the content, a small minority nixed it. In all fairness, I had it coming.
Anyway, so luckily, we taped a read-through by the cast. I got the idea from the meta-series Castville. But before we start, I need to introduce you to some of my crew.
Ashley is our costume and makeup department. She is a good friend of mine from
Alexis is our casting department. I’ve found that she can pull truly outstanding actors for the show despite having no connections when she first started out.
“The crack monkeys”: To save on costs, I’m the head writer of the series, but I employ of writer-colleagues, who I’d name personally, except they tend to come and go, so there’s not exactly what you’d call a concrete list. They also aren’t what you would call “professional” or “trained” writers, though they do a stellar job. Just don’t tell the WGA.
Sonriso is my personal assistant. He’s actually a yellow stress ball with a smiley face on it. He’s pretty useless, as you’ll find out.
Creedog: So, here are the scripts.
Allison: These aren’t scripts. They’re outlines.
Creedog: Detailed outlines. With a few scenes written out.
Michael: Yes… but we’re actors. You actually have to write out all the words. And usually gestures and stage movements…
Creedog: Well, I figured since Annette’s finally coming back…
Tom: Wait. You want us to improv? We’re not trained for that! Heck, I was a model before I came to this show!
Creedog: Look, you don’t have to make up your own lines. I’ll feed them to you just before each cut. I just want to try something out.
Sonriso: (a yellow stress ball with a “^_^” printed on him, which Creedog makes talk in a high voice) It’s called procrastinating.
Allison: Chris, can we not make the ball talk? Please. It’s creepy.
Creedog: (incredulously) I don’t have any control of it.
Sam: Okay, let’s take a look at the first scene already.
Creedog: Helen Bryce strolls through stone tunnels. She’s carrying a cardboard box. Enters a chamber which is an abandoned chapel with a big baptismal pool in it.
Michael: This is the religious episode you’ve been hyping, isn’t it?
Creedog: Yeah… so there’s two robed figures. There’s talk about rain filling the basin.
Erica: You’re writing the real lines later, right?
Creedog: Helen says, “Good. I have a present for us.” The two figures squeal.
Sam: Wait, so they’re chicks, right?
Creedog: Yes. One of them says, “Is that how you got that bruise on your neck?” Helen wasn’t aware of it.
Tom: It’s a hickey.
Creedog: Very astute, Mr. Welling. Helen snaps back, “You would know, wouldn’t you?” We see a gibbous moon as Helen comments that it will be full soon. There’s the ritual. We’ll plan it later.
Michael: Have you been doing an inordinate amount of slacking off?
Creedog: Yeah, but there’s a very good reason for it. Next scene is a recap between Lionel and his assistant.
Sam: The hot redhead?
Alexis: Her name’s Christina Hendricks. She was on Firefly.
Kristin: Firefly? Suck-up.
Sonriso: Big suck-up.
Allison: And exactly how did you get Al and Miles to worship you?
Kristin: Honey, that was all genes. (rolls her eyes dejectedly)
Creedog: Next scene,
Michael: (perks up) Ooh, what?
Creedog: We don’t see.
Michael: (scoffs) Because this is a religious episode?
Creedog: Look, I’m not writing Touched By An Angel here. Trust me, you’ll be very excited to see what she saw when we reveal it.
Michael: Patience is not in my nature.
Erica: Anyway, what happens next?
Creedog: Are we killing Linda, Alexis?
Sonriso: She sleeps with the fishes?
Alexis: (flatly) Yeah. She wanted off the show. I wonder if they’re bringing back her reality show.
Allison: (trying to ignore Sonriso) Wouldn’t that be a sign of the apocalypse? Ooh, is there going to be an apocalypse? Like in the finale?
Creedog: (dismissively) Not yet. It should be in cards. Okay, insert random scene about Chloe catching Lana in her room looking for socks.
Kristin: I thought Tina Greer died.
Creedog: It’s Isobel. Didn’t you watch the last episode?
Kristin: That would explain why you had me on wires. Why can’t we bring Tina back?
Allison: Death is kind of permanent.
Tom:
Michael: Lex kinda did.
Kristin: Lana did. And I swear she’d doing it again on Smallville.
Alexis: Plus, Lizzy Caplan has her own show now.
Michael: I thought it got cancelled.
Alexis: Yeah, you’re right.
Creedog: NO!!!
Sonriso: NO!!!
Creedog: Sorry, I liked that show. Okay, this happens the next day. We cut to Clark and Chloe in bed together.
Allison: In bed, in bed?
Creedog: Yes.
Allison: Oh, yeah, I finally get to hit that! ‘Bout time.
Tom: (rolls his eyes; picks up the script) “I love you.”
Allison: “I love you, too. You seem confused.” What?
Creedog: I’ll explain. Read.
Tom: “It’s just… I kinda wish I had said so before we… uh…”
Michael: Not even a nice euphemism? Bump uglies? Do the hanky-panky? The horizontal mambo?
Erica: Okay, Rosenbaum, what’s going on?
Michael: Get jiggy wit it? (dances in his seat)
Creedog: (clears throat)
Tom: One question, if this is supposed to be a religious episode, why are Clark and Chloe engaging in premarital sex?
Creedog: The rest of the scene would have a frank discussion. Start again on page 5.
Tom: “We kinda forgot… um… protection.”
Allison: She smirks. “You forgot. I was fully prepared.” She shakes a pill case.
Tom: X-ray vision squint. “There’s only one pill missing.” He grins.
Allison: Chloe grabs her head.
Tom: “The headache excuse only works before.” Go,
Allison: I hit him with a pillow. “Shut up.” Give him the needle box. One question, you don’t expect me to be naked in this post-coital scene, do you?
Creedog: Didn’t I tell you? We’re moving to Cinemax.
Michael: (à la Quagmire) Oh, yeah. Giggity-giggity-goo.
Allison: Funny. Chris, you promised me after “Treasured.”
Kristin: Geez, you’re worse than me. (everyone looks at her) You know, someone else could have made the comment. (shoves Michael)
Creedog: Ashley, what’s she wearing?
Ashley: (flatly) I have a very nice yellow tank picked out. It’s tight, and it shows your cleavage and midriff.
Allison: This is your dedication to the religious community?
Creedog: This isn’t 7th Heaven, okay? It’s a mature discussion episode.
Allison: With tight, cleavage-bearing tank tops.
Tom: Dare I ask what I’m wearing?
Ashley: Guess.
Tom: I’m guessing I’ve gotta spend a lot of time at the gym this week. The situps alone will kill me. (grabs script again) I look concerned.
Allison: “Don’t tell me you were waiting for marriage, ‘cause you kinda already paid full admission to that show.” Why does Chloe use the strangest metaphors?
Creedog: Don’t look at me. It wasn’t my writers who put that quirk in.
Tom: Next, you’ve got a little note to yourself telling you to finish the scene.
Creedog: Hey, we’ll wing it.
Erica: Lois scene! I save a man on the street. From what?
Creedog: (looks at the script) Damn good question. Funny story, actually, I had this genius idea that would echo back to the Parable of the Good Samaritan. Unfortunately, this was on a Friday night on half-price margarita night. Needless to say, I’ve only got scraps. By film time, I’ll have it reconstructed. I know the victim’s a doctor and it plays into your medical story arc. Do we have an actor yet?
Alexis: Yeah, Aaron Shust wanted the part.
Allison: Who?
Creedog: He’s a Contemporary Christian singer-songwriter.
Kristin: Interesting. How’d this happen?
Creedog: Well, there’s a church service scene coming up later in the episode. We thought it’d be cool if we got some Christian artists to play cameos as the choir.
Ashley: And Aaron Shust happens to be a friend of mine from
Alexis: And because of that, it created a snowball effect, and we’ve got quite a few artists interested. We even managed to nab Steven Curtis Chapman.
Annette: (from the door) I’ve heard of him.
Creedog: Welcome, Annette, you’re just in time.
Annette: For what?
Creedog: I have no idea.
Ashley: Chris was just mentioning how his father-in-law’s going to be on the show.
Creedog: (all heads turn to Chris) She’s being facetious. Long story short, Steven Curtis Chapman is a huge adoption advocate—as am I—and, well, I happened to mention his foundation in Future.
Kristin: You should make that into a movie.
Allison: You don’t appear in that book. Lana’s dead throughout the whole thing. You’re entire part would be being photographed.
Kristin: (sweetly) I know.
Sam: Pete’s the hero of that book. I’m game.
Tom: I haven’t read it.
Allison: You wear the suit. You fly. You make out with me.
Tom: I am not doing that.
Allison: I’m offended.
Tom: I’m married. And it was the other two things. Plus, Alli, we’re making out in this episode. (holds up script)
Creedog: At least somebody remembers why we’re here. Anyway, in the next scene…
Ashley: Finish the story! (smirks)
Creedog: So, anyway, because I raised awareness and donated 25% of the profits to the foundation, I was invited to the Dove Awards. They were giving out plaques to generous donors who gave money to various charities related to the gospel music world.
Ashley: His was presented by Miss Emily Chapman, Steven’s daughter, who was very cute and into Christopher.
Creedog: (annoyed) Moving on…
Alexis: I got her and Shaoey for Pete’s part.
Creedog: (brow furrows and reads the script)
Sam: (taking a cue, skims the script) Hey, where’s my part? Am I in this episode?
Creedog: Yeah, but… it’s not fleshed out.
Sam: You know, pushing Pete to the background is what made me leave the first time.
Creedog: Look, your part was clearly defined for the beginning of the show, and it’s clearly defined for the end of the season, but right now, we’re experimenting with Pete’s role. Lois’s medical arc just took off creatively before Pete. We’re not giving up on Pete, and you’ll want to be around for the second season.
Sam: You’re a smoother talker than I am. (punches Creedog in the shoulder; he winces)
Alexis: (bringing the attention back to her) I, uh, talked with Emily on the phone. We’ve got something hashed out. It’s romantic. (off Chris’s blank look; smiles) I’m kidding, of course. Her and Shaoey will appear and the subplot reflects back to another Bible story.
Allison: Well, I’m glad you’ve got it figured out.
Creedog: I was busy. Alexis needed my connections, and I had to do a lot of script-writing on airplane napkins. So, next scene,
Michael: Righteous!
Creedog: So… Alexis…?
Alexis: We got Aiden Quinn.
Creedog: Yes!
Erica: And this guy is…?
Alexis: The actor who portrayed the priest on The Book of Daniel.
Michael: That got cancelled after four episodes because of religious controversy. You’re tempting fate, you know that?
Creedog: I like to live on the edge. Anyway, it turns out the fire meta isn’t actually evil. Just terrified of his powers. After superbreathing him,
Kristin: I love the repeated imagery.
Creedog: Thanks. (looks at the script and reacts with surprise) So, he and Clark have a talk. Jesus allusions. Blah, blah, blah.
Erica: So, you’ve basically written no lines? (to Ashley) How into this chick is he?
Ashley: All I know is when I left the ceremony he was dancing with her and he did not get back to the hotel until like two in the morning.
Sonriso: Ooh!
Creedog: (gives his stress ball a dirty look and turns to Ashley) Give me a break, Ash; it was just an awards ceremony.
Michael: (to Ashley) Why were you there?
Ashley: Chris can’t get a date to save his life, so I agree to be his arm candy whenever he needs it.
Sam: I can’t see why. (looks Ashley up and down)
Ashley: My boyfriend is understanding, but not that understanding.
(Sam scoots back)
Allison: (insinuating) How did you know what time he got back to the hotel?
Ashley: We shared adjacent rooms. And I’m a night owl.
Creedog: Why do these things always get off-track? Later,
Michael: How peachy. Maybe they’ll get dunked together.
Creedog: “Dunked”? You mean baptized?
Michael: I’m Jewish. Do you know what the Jewish coming-of-age ceremony is called?
Creedog: You mean bar mitzvah? (Michael is silent)
Tom: Shouldn’t
Annette: You never saw the
Creedog: I’m going to take executive privilege here and say that
Michael: Well, you know what they say about those Methodists. (awkward silence) Yeah, I don’t know.
Creedog: Chloe is going to cheerfully agree.
Allison: Really?
Creedog: Look, she’s not going to have some fall-to-her-knees salvation experience. She’s not scared of the church. She’s just gonna say that it’s been years since she’s been and follow it up with a snarky comment.
Michael: “She makes some kind of snarky comment.” That’s her entire role in a nutshell.
Allison: I’m going to kick your ass, Rosenbaum. Both these shows would go seriously downhill without me.
Erica: It’s not like your presence is keeping them super-buoyant.
Sam: I could say something right now that would get me slapped so hard.
Allison: I have a very dedicated fan base!
Erica: Whoa, Alli, don’t get your panties in a wad.
Sam: I could say something right now that would get me slapped so hard.
Erica: I’m sorry, girl, it was meant to be a comment on the popularity of our shows as a whole.
Creedog: What did you guys have for breakfast? So, we’re moving on to the church scene.
Sam: Immediately?
Creedog: Actually, no, we’re gonna have updates on both Lois and Pete’s storylines. We need to kill some time before Sunday morning.
Sam: A Pete scene to “kill time”?
Creedog: Sam, when I get around to writing your scenes, you’ll be heroic. You’ll be stalwart!
Sam: (pauses) Okay, I’m easy. You won me back. Go on; try to please Erica.
Erica: What?
Sam: Well, you’re being pushed to the sidelines, too. Don’t you care?
Erica: (after a moment of thought) Can I wear a hospital gown?
Creedog: What?
Erica: ‘Cause, you know, I’ve got blood on me after saving the guy, right?
Creedog: …Sure.
Erica: So, I’ve got to change? Well, I’m at the hospital, so all they have for me to put on is a hospital gown, right?
Creedog: That’s a tired 90s sitcom joke. What about scrubs?
Erica: Baby, I don’t look good in scrubs. Plus, if Chloe gets to be naked, so should Lois.
Allison: (harried, to Erica) Chloe’s not going to be naked. (directly, to Creedog) Chloe is not going to be naked.
Sonriso: A travesty in and of itself.
(Allison gives a dirty look at Creedog)
Creedog: (to Allison) Sorry. (to Erica) Fine. The network wants more scantily-clad bimbos anyway.
Erica: Thanks.
Kristin: You’re not going to get mad at him for insinuating that you’re a bimbo?
Erica: Whatever. It makes all the working out worth it. (thinks) Hold it, what’s this guy who playing the doctor gonna look like?
Creedog: Alexis?
Alexis: (holds up a picture of Aaron Shust)
Erica: (with moderate appreciation) That’ll do. So, he can sing, too?
Ashley: (with too much enthusiasm) Yeah. (clears her throat) But my opinion’s biased. Oh, and he’s married.
Erica: Come to think of it, so am I.
Michael: (makes cricket noises)
Creedog: Anyway, we’ll finally get to the church scene. Clark comes in his “Clark
Kristin: Jeans and flannel shirt?
Allison: You forgot the hideous red jacket.
Tom: Hey, that thing’s comfortable.
Creedog: No, the blue suit and glasses.
Kristin: Careful, we’re slouching toward Metropolis.
(long silence)
Kristin: It’s a literary reference. C’mon!
Allison: I’ve not read it. What’s it about?
Kristin: It’s called Slouching Toward Bethlehem, and I kinda didn’t read it either.
Sonriso: I don’t know what just happened, and I don’t care.
Michael: (to Creedog) You do realize you’re not a ventriloquist?
Creedog: Yeah. (lays the stress ball back on the table)
Annette: Hey, look, Martha! What’s she do?
Creedog: She’s a state senator.
Annette: In Metropolis?
Creedog: Well, no, she work in
Annette: Is she going to do anything?
Creedog: Not yet. But… Sonriso, make a note. Develop a plot line for Martha. (writes it down himself)
Annette: You were itching to get me back!
Creedog: Well, you’re a popular character. Don’t worry; we’ll have you doing important stuff with your senatorial duties. Maybe use Lionel?
Michael: You’ve already got Lionel interacting with Lex in every show. John’ll start getting more screen time than Lana.
Kristin: (sarcastically) Oh, what a tragedy.
Allison: Kristin, you’ve not appeared in the episode so far.
Kristin: I hardly noticed.
Creedog: My mistake. You had a scene with Chloe where she was asking if you could cover for her Sunday morning. It was going to lead into another Isobel-does-crafty-things montage and more Lexana fluff.
Kristin: Can’t I be businessy in this episode?
Creedog: Well, no clients, no businessy Lana.
Kristin: So, unless Archangel Investigations is hired to take out the meta, my role is witch-possessed love interest. I might as well only be on Smallville.
Creedog: Alright, let’s say there’re more cockroaches. If we need filler, we can have someone go take them out.
Kristin: This is nothing but appeasement. Lana’s supposed to being going kick-ass! Lana fu!
Creedog: Alright, we’ll start adding scenes where Lex trains Lana in weaponry in preparation of her doing field work.
Kristin: I can see this leading to sword innuendos.
Creedog: Of course it will. You’re hard to please. Anyway, back to wherever the heck we were. Minister gives sermon on
Michael: Isn’t this exactly what he did on The Book of Daniel?
Creedog: Ruffling feathers. So he also mentions there’s going to be a construction workday afterwards and he hopes people will come back to help rebuild the back of the sanctuary. Afterwards, while Clark and Chloe are going through the line, it’s obvious the minister recognizes him.
Sam: You gonna name this guy?
Creedog: I’ll do some research to find some peer of Daniel Webster.
Allison: You have no shame. (looks at the script) Clark and Chloe talk afterwards?
Creedog: Chloe comments on the Jesus parallels.
Michael: You’re really milking this.
Creedog: It’s gonna be in all three plots.
Tom: Hey, lines! “Do you believe in God?”
Allison: “I don’t see why I shouldn’t. I’ve believed in stranger things than an all-mighty, all-powerful, omnipresent being. At least this one… ‘insert Jor-El reference here’?”
Creedog: Ooh, gotta work on that.
Tom: “And Jesus?”
Allison: “You rose from the dead, too.”
Tom:
Allison: “Don’t shy away. I mean, we’re talking about a guy with supernatural powers. He lives his life for others, protecting the weak and the sick. A friend to all. A man who works for peace but isn’t afraid to fight. Who sacrifices himself.”
Tom: “You’re not calling me the Messiah, are you?”
Allison: “Nah. Don’t really want the Mary Magdalene stigma. Falsely accused of being a prostitute.”
Tom: “You’ve been reading The Da Vinci Code again, haven’t you?”
Allison: “It’s a good book!” Now we’re going to mention The Da Vinci Code? You’re insane.
Sonriso: He’s got a talking stress ball. This surprises you?
Creedog: Later,
Michael: You’re kinda repeating all your jokes.
Creedog: (meekly) I know. We’re going to resolve the Lois storyline and Pete storyline.
Erica: Lois get to hook up with the guy?
Creedog: No.
Erica: Come on.
Creedog: Not gonna happen. Lois is getting a boyfriend at the end of this season. If it makes you feel better, I’ll arbitrarily add eye candy to your future plots.
Erica: I like appeasement. (Kristin rolls her eyes)
Sam: Is Pete going to get the girl?
Alexis: With who’ve we’re now got cast?
Ashley: (sing-song) Like Chris’ll go for that.
Creedog: You guys are terrible.
Sam: Pete’s gotta do something!
Annette: (blandly) And Martha.
Creedog: (pauses, and then looks pensively back and forth from Martha to Sam; suddenly leaps out of his chair) THAT’S IT!
Allison: Someone slip something into his espresso this morning?
Ashley: (matter-of-factly) He doesn’t drink coffee.
Creedog: (talking quickly) Sam, we’ve got Pete’s law-police storyline. The crack monkeys and I have been racking our brains for months trying to figure out how to introduce the storyline and give it credence. We wanted him to act as the liaison between
Sam: Okay, not exactly going to get on board with that kind of excitement, but I like it. (grins, then frowns) But I want eye candy, too.
Annette: (scoffs with offence)
Sam: Oh, Annette, you are a hot babe of highest magnitude, but Pete Ross and Martha Kent? That’s even creepier than Mionel.
Annette: I happen to find John Glover very… charismatic.
Creedog: Alexis?
Alexis: Oh, we’ll give Martha a hot secretary.
Creedog: It can be a Peter Parker/Betty Grant relationship.
Sam: What’s that mean?
Creedog: It means you get to flirt with her a lot. She’ll be uninterested at first, but you’ll wear her down.
Sam: That’s what I’m talking about. Who’s gonna play her?
Creedog: We just created her.
Alexis: Pretty actresses are a dime a dozen. I’ll make you a lineup.
Sam: You gonna bring them here? (can’t suppress a grin)
Alexis: A lineup of head shots. We’ll bring your favorite down.
Pete: (jumps up and walks behind Alexis) Can I see now?
Alexis: Give me a second. (opens up a notebook and flips through pages)
Lana: This has been bugging me. Clark and Chloe know about Lex and Lana, right?
Creedog: Yeah.
Lana: Why are they saying anything?
Creedog: We’re still not sure how for it to come out. Plus, Ostroff’s been on my back about the lack of “secrets and lies” on our show.
Michael: That’s Al and Miles’s territory. I say let them have it.
Kristin: Amen.
Creedog: How poetic.
Sam: (to Alexis) What about her?
Alexis: Taylor Cole? It’s a good pick.
Sam: What’s this note mean? “Diana”?
Alexis: It means she’s one of about a dozen actresses we’re considering for the part of Diana Prince, should she ever appear on the show. It also means she’s probably pretty tall.
Sam: (deflates) Thanks for the heads up. Ooh, who this filly?
Alexis: Alycia Purrott. Canadian actress. Easy to get over here. And… look at the height. (points at the page)
Sam: I’ll look normal-sized!
Creedog: (who’s shorter than Sam) You are normal sized!
Alexis: (shows Creedog the picture) What do you think?
Creedog: I think we have a winner. If she’s short, why didn’t her name come up in our Maddanei search?
Alexis: ‘Cause I’m a bad casting director.
Allison: Was Maddanei…?
Ashley: The character based on me? Yeah.
Alexis: Why don’t I get a character based on me?
Creedog: Find an attress to play yourself and we’ll develop a part for her.
(Alexis starts to peruse her book)
Creedog: Let’s recap. Everyone’s got a part.
Tom: Yeah.
Allison: Mm-hmm.
Sam: Yep.
Erica: Theoretically.
Kristin: Kind of.
Michael: Ditto that.
Creedog: We’ve got Isobel development. And some Lexana. Lex will have his obligatory one or two scenes with Lionel.
Martha: Um…
Creedog: I’ll write you a very nice scene with Sam where Pete and Martha start their business relationship. There’ll be a generous lead-in where Martha fights for some noble cause with the legislators.
Martha: Yawn.
Creedog: I’ve gotta appease you, too, huh? What if you’re defending of said noble cause involves some nice sharp-tongued verbal wordplay with your opponents?
Martha: Male opponents? (giggles evilly) That’ll do.
Creedog: Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m behind on my plot.
Sonriso: It’s a wrap.
(Creedog leaves)
Kristin: Seriously, what’s with the ball?
Ashley: I don’t try to understand Christopher.
Alexis: Me neither.
Allison: So, this Emily…?
Ashley: I’ll tell you all about here. Don’t tell Chris this ‘cause he’ll never get another script done, but I know a great place for cheap margaritas…
~
Director’s Commentary: So, we’ve hit the end of the road. It’s kind of strange including my director’s commentary when you’ve basically sat through some director’s commentary, but whatever.
I’d like to thank Jeremy Camp, Steven Curtis Chapman, Emily Chapman, Shaoey Chapman, Aaron Shust, and Aiden Quinn for agreeing to appear in this episode, and sorry that it never got made. Also thanks to all the artists who had an interest in appearing. Mark Schultz, I am greatly disappointed you didn’t come and play our choir director.
And, Emily, I had a great time at the Dove Awards. By the way, next time you’re in the
Before the cancellation, the cast, crew, and I got together to map out the rest of the season, as the WGA got on my case for using a non-guild-approved writing system. It’ll be out soon.
^_^ - Really, if Creedog had let me run the show, we’d’ve gone twenty season. But, alas, The Chloe is Hot Show, Guest Starring
Season 1 Planning Session coming soon…
©2007 Godeerc VanDrey Enterprises, Inc. Created Monday, May, 14, 2007. Finished Friday, December 28, 2007.
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