(Alfred Gough and Miles Millar enter the reading room, where the cast is patiently waiting)
AG: (announces) Harry Potter.
TW: It’s not even a TV show.
MM: J.K. Rowling is richer than the Queen!
AM: Humor me. How are you going to mesh these mythologies?
AG: Pictures this: “
ED: (breaks out laughing) Sorry, I shouldn’t have pictured it. It’s really a cool idea, I swear.
AM: I do have to give you props on knowing the word “metahuman.”
AG: So, every week…
TW: Oh, dear lord, you’re bringing back Freaks of the Week, aren’t you?
AA:
MM: People liked it.
TW: So, I’m guessing I’m the Harry Potter character.
AM: Let’s see… unruly black hair, symbolic scar, huge crush on a Chinese girl…
KK: I am half-Chinese
AM: Kristin, we’ve been working together for six years. I know your ethnicity. Look, if Michael can tease me about being German-born, I think you can forgive me for diluting your race for a moment to make a point.
MR: (raises arm) Heil Mack!
AM: And because he’s Jewish, I can’t actually respond.
(KK smiles sympathetically)
AoT: Harry’s parents are dead? Does that mean I’m off the show? (checks her watch)
AG: Well, good point. Actually, aren’t only Harry’s biological parents dead?
AoT: So, what? I’m Aunt Petunia?
MM: Perhaps our Aunt Petunia won’t be a total bitch. And hot.
AoT: Eh, whatever pays the bills.
AM: I’m the Hermione parallel, aren’t I?
AG: We thought it most appropriate.
ED: Hopefully, they’ll style your hair better than hers.
AM: Or better than they have been.
MR: Hermione doesn’t have bad hair. Have you seen Emma Watson lately? She’s a babe in the making.
KK: Rosenbaum, she’s like half your age, you dirty old man.
MR: (pauses to do the math) Oh, dear god, she’s right! (grabs TW’s lapels) Tom, we’re so old! We’re going to die alone!
TW: I’ve been married for five years.
MR: What? To who?
AM: “Whom.”
MR: (says something in mock German)
(AM rolls her eyes)
TW: Her name’s Jamie. Remember that woman I keep bringing here?
MR: And to the Christmas parties? Dude, she’s really hot. (with interest) You two doing okay?
TW: Mike!
MR: I’m kidding, I’m kidding. (seriously) Does she have a sister?
(TW rolls his eyes)
AM: (surveying the two with amusement) Anyway, who’s your Ron? Ideally, we’d be using Pete.
MR: Ideally, we wouldn’t be using Harry Potter for inspiration.
ED: You love Harry Potter. You wanted to camp out for the last book this July. You invited me to come along.
MR: You accepted.
ED: (proudly) I went as Professor Trelawney.
AoT: The resemblance is uncanny.
AG: So, we’re going with the next best thing: Jimmy.
AA: “Next best thing”? Way to inspire confidence in your characters.
MR: Oh, Aaron, we’re all “the next best thing” next to Kristin.
(KK shrugs apologetically)
MR: If Yakko and Wakko over here had their way, the show’d be called “All About Lana.”
AA: Ron’s supposed to be a redhead, isn’t he?
MR: Jimmy’s supposed to be a redhead, too.
KK: And Lana, as Annette so magnificently portrayed.
AoT: Suck-up. Eh, I really don’t care. I’ll talk to Michael and see if he can get you into his next movie.
KK: Thanks.
AM: Annette, I’ll compliment your brains out if I can break out of animation.
AoT: No one likes a brown-noser, Allison.
AM: (to TW) Where am I?
TW: Same place as me.
AA: Wasn’t Pete supposed to be blond?
AG: We sacrificed some canon to appease the diversity people.
AM: Wasn’t Lois supposed to be a brunette?
ED: I am a brunette!
AM: Your hair’s way to light. I might as well be Lois. Kinda am. (smirk) I’m going to the special hell. I’m not really a Chloiser.
AG: She speaks the name of the heathens!
AM: Get over it.
AoT: Wasn’t Martha is supposed to be white-haired?
MM: What? And hire an old woman instead of a former Superman star? We can’t be worrying about our actresses keeling over.
AM: Erica does.
ED: Once! And I seem to recall we were both a little tipsy.
TW: Can we please go on?
MR: So, are we making Lex Voldemort just so I have to keep shaving my head?
AG: Well, we were originally going to make you Malfoy, but that’s a good point.
MR: Malfoy?! C’mon, Lex is so much more badass than that pipsqueak with his idiot lackeys. (pause) The jokes write themselves. No need to say them aloud.
AM: Party pooper.
JG: So, then, who is Lionel?
MM: Well, now since Lex may be Voldemort…
MR: Whoa! Lionel was going to be Voldemort?
JG: You don’t think I could pull Voldemort?
MR: (gulps) John, you could play God. And the Devil. In the same movie. It would be amazing.
JG: (surveys him, then turns his head dramatically) Yes, yes, it would. I like your thinking, Rosenbaum. I’m going to call my agent. (grabs his phone)
AA: (pointing at John) Um…
MM: You try making him hang up.
AA: (shakes his head fearfully)
MR: Who are you going to associate Lionel with then?
AG: Snape.
(the cast nods in understanding)
AM: Not bad. And Snape had a think for Harry’s mom. (looks to Annette)
AoT: (after acknowledging this, catches JG’s attention)
JG: (holding his phone) I agree. Let’s do it, Miss O’Toole.
AA: It gets creepier every time they do that.
TW: Plus with the morally ambiguous direction we’ve taken Lionel in recently, it works even better.
AM: So you did read the books.
TW: Wikipedia. I didn’t want to be on the outside looking in.
ED: (maliciously) Cheater.
MR: (with equal distaste) It’s people like you who gives humanity in general a bad name.
TW: So, we’re going to eliminate Malfoy?
AM: Ooh, idea! (grabs AA’s arm) Eric Summers.
(affirmative remarks)
AA: Look, I love working with my brother, but if we bring him on, we’re gonna have to explain why Malfoy and Ron look similar.
ED: (grinning) That’d be awesome! They’re both purebloods, right?
(the cast agree or pretend to agree)
MR: (catching on) So… it turns out that Malfoy and Ron are related, even though they hate each other.
AA: Shawn would dig that. But then who’s gonna be the flunkies?
AM: We kind of don’t have the cast for it. Aren’t they’re like dozens of characters?
ED: Plus, if Lana is Cho, then who’s Ginny, the chick he really gets with?
AM: Ideally, that’d be you.
ED: But they can’t do that.
MR: We don’t have a Dumbledore.
AM: Oh, you know Pinky and the Brained here don’t like school settings.
AA: Doesn’t that completely derail the entire season?
AG: Yes.
AM: What?
AG: Well, not exactly that. This…
MM: (on the phone) She mentioned us by name? (hangs up) Okay, so we’re not “allowed” to do it.
TW: I didn’t even eat breakfast, ‘cause I knew we’d be out so quickly. So, I’ve got a table for eight reserved at IHOP at 9:30. Who’s coming with?
(everyone except for AG and MM raise their hands, briskly get up and walk out the door)
MM: Well, I ate in advance.
AG: Yeah, me too. I knew we’d be doing important things.
MM: Like deciding what next season’s going to be like?
AG: Exactly. So maybe we can incorporate… mummies into next season. But they’re from
MM: Kind of like The Mummy 3 screenplay we just wrote?
AG: Oh, yeah, you were there, weren’t you? Okay, new idea,
MM: Why does this sound like Shanghai Noon?
AG: Um, so there’s this magic car…
MM: You are seriously not bringing up Herbie: Fully Loaded, are you?
AG: But Lindsay Lohan…
MM: Have you seen what’s she’s been up to lately?
AG: You think she thinks she’s too classy for this show?
MM: She’s a star. They can be so uppity.
No comments:
Post a Comment