A/N: Once you pop, you just can’t stop.
(Miles Millar and Alfred Gould dramatically enter the room, where the cast is waiting)MM: Gilligan’s
AM: Is it just me, or are these ideas getting worse?
TW: Look, we got to be here. Let’s just go through the motions. Who do we want for Gilligan? I’ll propose
AM: Behind Lana.
AG: Yes, but we don’t speak such truths aloud. DC comics would have our hides.
TW: How could Skipper bully a superpowered alien around?
ED: Lana doesn’t seem to have any problem with it.
TW: Can we not go there?
MM: Actually, great idea. We can make
MR: Not Lex.
ED: Actually…
JG: Not Lionel.
AoT: Come to think of it…
AA: (giggling to himself) Superman pops Jimmy over the head, and he gets nailed into the ground with his hat brim down to his eyes. Or launched into a palm tree; he slides down afterward, cartoon-style, and his hat lands on his head again. (realizes everyone’s looking at him) I just volunteered myself, didn’t I? I’m going home bruised for the next eight months. (AM rubs his arm sympathetically)
KK: How in the world are we going to pick a professor?
ED: It ain’t gonna be
TW: Well, it’s not going to be Lex. “I’ll hire some decent security. That way I won’t get stuck on a deserted island.” ‘Cause, you know, that worked so well between Seasons 2 and 3.
MR: Or Jimmy. “It was the Egyptians. They’re working together with the aliens to strand us on a deserted island with a dozen sets of clothes each and a working radio!”
JG: It could be the Magnificent Bastard.
MM: Hey! We can have him spouting literary references all day! The fans’ll love it!
MR: So, that leaves the role of Lex to… Mr. Howell, the millionaire. That worked out strangely well. Except Lex got demoted.
AG: Eh, I suppose we could update it to billionaire. I just hope it doesn’t confuse the fans.
AM: I don’t think our fans are that stupid.
KK: They watched Smallville.
AM: (venomously) I don’t believe I asked for your input.
(KK scoots away)
ED: Moving on, Ginger?
AM: The vacuous, self-absorbed beauty.
KK: (sighs) Say no more.
MM: You know, they’re really good at guessing what roles we want to give them.
AM: So, are we using producer logic and making Chloe Mary Ann, the so-called “Plain Jane.”
AG: (aside to MM as he observes the cast) It’s uncanny!
ED: So, we’re making me Mrs. Howell? So we’re doing Lexis?
MM: Lexis? You know, we could add a Lexis to our show. I bet we could get sponsorship.
AM: Okay, before I pull us off this tangent, why would we have a Lexis on a show about a deserted island?
AG: It could be Lex’s. (giggles at his own unintentional pun) It could belong to Lex.
MR: A Lexis wouldn’t fit on a small tour boat.
AG: We could change it to a big cruise ship!
MM: And get sponsorship!
(AM is going breathing exercises)
KK: Why are there only seven people on a big cruise ship?
AG: It’s Lex.
MR: That’s actually a very valid point.
TW: Wouldn’t the Lexis be lost when the cruise ship sank?
MM: Who says the ship has to sink?
TW: Cruise ships are made out of metal. Landing on the island wouldn’t wreck it. They could still drive it back.
AG: Television producing shouldn’t require this much thought!
(AM starts to weep)
MM: It’s so big, they can’t push it back into the water!
KK: What do you know? They made sense again!
JG: It’s actually very deep. Lex’s extravagance is his own undoing. The size of the cruise ship is a metaphor for self-imposed burden of lavish spending. It’s a subtle critique of the excess of the wealthy.
MM: Yeah, you lost me, but I’m pretty sure you may have made sense. You’ll need to talk like that on the show.
(JG lifts a critical eyebrow)
AM: Anyway, I think what Erica was referring to by “Lexis” was a Lex-Lois romance.
MM: (matter-of-factly) Lex is in love with Lana.
ED: He’s married to Lois.
AG: That why he did the cruise. He wanted Lana.
MM: He saw her in a movie.
MR: So multibillionaire Lex saw Lana in a movie and fell in love with her, so he concocted this elaborate cruise just so he could make her fall in love with him.
AG: Exactly!
TW: Why’d he bring his wife?
AG: He was going to divorce her.
AM: Why would he take her on a cruise to divorce her?
MM: To let her off easy.
MR: (to ED) “Sorry, Honey, it’s just not working out. There’s someone else. She’s on this ship. So, anyway, we’ll be spending the next three hours on this ship together, giving you ample time to throw me and my beloved-who-doesn’t-know-she’s-my-beloved-yet into the Pacific. I’d like to divorce you immediately; unfortunately, I forgot to bring my lawyer, but for some odd reason I brought my schoolteacher father and a random
MM: Maybe he divorces her first.
ED: Why would she go on a cruise with her just-divorced ex-husband, knowing full well that the purpose of the cruise was for her bastard of an ex-hubby to seduce a movie star?
AG: Give us some credit. She doesn’t know that’s what the cruise is for.
ED: Why is she on the #$@% ship?
AG: It’s a big ship. She’ll never see her husband. Maybe she brought a new beau.
TW: And exactly who would that be? It can’t be Skipper Clark because of comics restrictions.
AA: It could be Jimmigan.
JG: Or her father-in-law.
AM: This is quite a pickle.
AG: Eh, I guess we’ll have to go with Jimmy.
AM: A Gilligan-Mrs. Howell ship. I never thought I’d see the day.
MM: Well, you try to make this show work, Miss Negativity.
AG: I’ll have you know, in the last four minutes, we’ve created two love triangles. Beat that.
AM: What if I could come up with a decent plot or engaging dialogue?
AG: (to MM) It’s funny because she thinks that trumps two love triangles.
MR: So, Lex uses his mad charm skills to enamor Lana the movie star while Lois chats up the first mate. Then they get stranded on a deserted island. The term “shipwreck” comes to mind and I’m not referring to the plot.
AM: One thing, I know I’m Mary Ann; I’ve resigned myself to that fate, but I don’t want to be a farm girl.
MM: Then how are we going to justify you wearing the midriff top?
AM: Look… what a second. I’m wearing the midriff top? (suspiciously) Since when did you guys think I’m sexy?
(AG and MM exchange glances)
AG: Don’t think we see you as ugly, ‘cause you’re not.
MM: But the guys kindly reminded us that you have, and I quote, a “killer body.”
AM: Thanks, guys!
MR: You can thank John. It was his idea. The rest of us just lined up to sign the petition.
AA: I wanted to be first. But Tom’s got big arms and Mike fights dirty.
AM: (nearly in tears) Oh, guys, you don’t know what this means to me!
ED: It means fifty crunches a day, minimum.
(AM’s smiles drops)
AM: Need a workout buddy?
ED: Um, you see, my husband David’s my workout buddy, and the way we work out is—
AM: Please stop.
AG: Please go on.
AM: Wait, if I’m a reporter—
MM: Junior reporter.
AM: Fine. (rolls eyes) Why am I wearing a farm shirt?
ED: Maybe you’re dating a farmer. It’s his shirt. It’s hot.
AG: Off-screen boyfriend bad. Leaves no room for stunt casting or random
AA:
(AM and TW exchange looks)
TW: That would make a large sector of the audience happy.
AG: Okay, but it’s gotta be a secret.
MM: Secrets are good.
AG: And lies. Lies are good, too.
MR: So, anyway, Clark and Chloe have a secret relationship. How’s this Lex and Lana thing gonna play out?
KK: Are they going to get married again?
MM: Yeah.
AG: (cryptically) But he won’t.
TW: …why not?
AG: Because he’s in love with Lana. Obviously.
MM: Obviously.
KK: (rolling her eyes) Obviously.
AM: We just established he was with Chloe.
MM: Secretly.
AG: Secrets are good.
MM: And lies. Lies are good, too.
AG: He can date them both.
MM: Secretly.
AG: Secrets are good.
MM: And lies. Lies are good, too.
TW: And I’m guessing he’ll end up lying to them both.
MM: Lies are good.
AG: And secrets. Secrets are good, too.
TW: That’s not
AG: Okay, he only dates one at a time.
MM: Secretly.
AG: Secrets are---
AM: ENOUGH!
MM: …are good, too.
JG: I’ve noticed Lionel’s not getting any action.
AoT: I’ve noticed that Martha doesn’t appear at all.
AG: (takes two and a half seconds to think) She could be a recurring villainess.
(AoT takes a long moment critically gazing at the producer; slowly a sinister smile appears)
AoT: Will I get to wear villainess clothes? Something low-cut like you’d put on Allison or, on a modest day, Erica?
(MM and AG have a short conference)
MM: It can be arranged.
JG: And a scandalous liaison with Lionel?
AG: If it’s done right.
AoT: It’s got to be a slow, simmering thing.
JG: (saliciously) I like the way you think, Annette.
AoT: (flirting) Thank you, John. It’s going to be a pleasure.
ED: Ew. It was even close to this awkward on the SG-1 set.
(long silence)
ED: Where I met my husband. Do you guys ever listen when I talk?
MR: Not when you wear stuff like that. (points to her shirt)
(ED, peeved, pulls up on her neckline)
(AoT and JG are still casting glances at each others)
AM: Okay, this is wrong. Annette, you’re married.
AoT: (flippantly) My husband is a rock star. I can guess what goes on backstage.
AM: Annette, your husband is an improvisational actor. He plays the parody of a rock star.
KK: Wait, Spinal Tap is fake?
ED: And, Annette, you told me what happens backstage. Me and David never get together with all of his buddies… and tell jokes in a circle.
(AA is gesturing to get MR’s attention; he mouths a lot and makes gestures, sometimes pointing to JG)
MR: (mouths) What?
(AA makes broader gestures)
(MR shakes his head with confusion)
AA: (loudly) ISN’T JOHN GAY?
MR: Yeah, I understood you the first time.
(AA sinks back in his chair)
JG: (austerely) Mr. Ashmore, I am very open with my sexuality. (AA nods carefully) My partner and I quite enjoyed your portrayal of Marc Hall in Prom Queen.
AA: (coolly) Thank you. It was my breakout role.
KK: I’m amazed you got the rights to this show.
AG: We talked with CBS’s lawyers. They said we could have it over what’s-his-name’s dead body. You know the creator. That’s a free pass if I ever heard one.
ED: I don’t think he’s dead. I just saw this retrospective they did on The Brady Bunch. He was one of the talking heads. Sherman Schwartz or something?
MM: What? (dials his phone) Dana, would you check and see if the Gilligan’s Island guy is dead? Uh-huh.
TW: Does anyone else feel a disturbance in the force?
MR: Oh, sorry, I had one of those giant burritos for lunch.
KK: (sniffing) Well, that answers my question.
MM: (closing his phone) Says he died two years ago. And his name is Bob Denver. Way to pay attention to what you watch on TV.
AM: Anyone else get the irony of that statement? (KK’s and TW’s hands pop up immediately, quickly followed by MR’s)
ED: (not paying attention, raises her hand) I don’t know what I’m voting for, but whatever. And Miles, Bob Denver is the guy who played Gilligan. I was talking about the creator.
(MM opens his phone again)
AG: Look, you have nothing to worry about. The guy had to be about 85. He’s good as worm food.
MM: Yeah, he’s alive and kicking at 90. The deal’s off.
AG: (in stride) So, how ‘bout we say we plan Season 7 bright and early Monday morning? Great. (walks out of the room with MM)
(long pause)
AA: You think I could go out and buy one of those sailor hats? ‘Cause that’s the part I’m going to miss.
AM: Yeah, I’m gonna get me a farmer shirt, too.
TW: Steal one from the costume department. They’ve got so many, they’d never notice.
MR: Do you really think Lexus owners actually watch our show? You think they’d spend more time on, I don’t know, Masterpiece Theater and My Super-Sweet 16.
ED: Yeah, I’m sure those two show cater to the very same audience.
KK: Would it be too optimistic to think that Al and Miles asking me to portray an actress is a compliment to my dramatic skills?
TW: Yes. But the catch in the statement is “Al and Miles,” not your acting ability.
(JG and AoT are still sending each other significant glances)
AM: We’re going to leave you two alone.
AoT: We’re just rehearsing.
ED: I feel weird.
KK: I feel like a chocolate shake.
MR: They’re on me if I don’t have to look at that anymore.
(the younger end of the cast races out)
~
A/N: Okay, most of this was written months ago and I finally got around to putting an ending on it. In the future, I won’t even do that. It’s just I haven’t done squat in awhile, and I wanted to redeem myself by releasing the stuff that didn’t get through the filter the first time.
^_^ - But… but… there was… there was going to be a midriff-revealing Chloe… IS THERE NO GOD?! So, if I kill Sherwood Schwartz, will they reconsider? Will they? My life has no meaning…
Started 7/4/2007. Finished 11/11/2007.
No comments:
Post a Comment